It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I have written and boy have I missed it!

I know I am not a great writer with interesting views and a huge vocabulary. I’m just a regular girl with thoughts and feelings.

Since I last posted ALOT has happened. Some good and some not so good.

My dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma in late November of last year. He is currently being treated at MD Anderson in Houston.

His symptoms came on seemingly quick. Although, now he can pinpoint some changes in his personality that started last summer. They traveled some of the east coast and spent a few days in Key West. He found it hard to get excited about things, he says.

He can run circles around any of us. He wakes up and goes to sleep with projects on his mind and lists written out. He retired from the U.S. Border Patrol when he was 49 years old! He hasn’t stopped one day. He is an avid motorcyclist, hunter, and tinkerer. He loves a challenge. In fact, he saved our house after Hurricane Isaac. Literally saved our house. He headed the project with his best friend and my brother.

At 66 years old nothing could stop him. NOTHING! Who knows how long he has had brain cancer. We will never know for sure. We do know that when the symptoms became too much for him to hide he had stage 4 brain cancer, glioblastoma.

He has been receiving radiation and chemotherapy for about a month with little or no side effects. He had gained some strength back. He had gain mobility in his left side. His speech had improved. The doctors warned of side effects in the beginning. I heard horror stories.

By the grace of God my dad has had an appetite and a good amount of energy. He hasn’t had the stereotypical side effects. When he heard the diagnosis his only response was “let’s kick its ass.” His fight has not wavered.

We have felt very blessed by this and I have questioned the ability for the radiation and chemo to be effective if he isn’t feeling anything. Well, all of that changed early Tuesday morning. My step-mom woke to him having seizures. They are staying at the hotel connected to MD Anderson and she called 911.

He was entubated after not responding to medication. He was sedated and has been in ICU since. He has lost mobility of his left hand and left leg. His brain is swollen.

I pray. What else can be done? I pray for so many things, mainly complete healing.

I regret. We aren’t supposed to regret things. That is not the way we are supposed to live. Well, I regret.

I stay busy. Handsome hubby and 4 kiddos keep me pretty busy but I have found another outlet too. I make diffuser necklaces to be used with or without essential oils and I enjoy my time making them. Even when there is chaos all around me I find making them peaceful, healing and right.

I pray a lot when making my necklaces.

So many people around me are effected by cancer. I decided to make a cancer ribbon. I give all of the profits to MD Anderson. Sure they are funded by a huge university. What can my minuscule amount of money do for them? I’m donating the money in my dads name. Knowing my dads name will be among donators names while he is going through the fight of his life means so much. Every dollar counts.

Trying to do something positive in such a difficult time is hard but necessary.

I hope to write again soon. I hope to have a more thought out post. I hope you continue to read. I pray for your health and happiness!

Until next time!

You can visit my ebay store if you would like to check out my necklaces!

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Mommy Monday-

Good Monday!

When was the last time you told YOUR mom you loved her?

When was the last time your children told you they loved you?

I hope this question can quickly be answered. If not, stop reading and go call your mom and tell her that you love her NOW!

Life is so fragile. We are strong creatures. Created to endure so much physically and emotionally. Watching our kids run and play they almost seem indestructible. We, even adult children, often look at our parents this way until a sudden illness strikes leaving behind a worn aged body and you wondering where your parent went. To be honest we do this with most people in our lives. In essence we take them for granted.

I’m a sensitive soul. Sensitive to where I pretty much drive people around me crazy at times. A lot of conversations cannot be had without me crying. My step-mother used to say ” All you have to do is look at Cyndi wrong and she’ll cry.” My dad was undercover for many years worked high profile cases with the Border Patrol. We has security guards watching our house at times. I knew when he left there was a possibility he would not return. Life is fragile. My brother Taylor was born perfect! 6 weeks later he was comatose never to recover at all. Life is fragile. 9-11. Life is fragile. My newlywed husband was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia a.k.a. “The suicide disease” 4 months after we were married while I was pregnant with our son. Life is fragile. I almost died giving birth to our son. Life is fragile. I’ve lost 8 grandparents. Yes, 8. My parents divorced and remarried. My moms parents were divorced. Her dad remarried. I have 1 remaining grandmother. She is close to meeting our maker if she hasn’t already. Nothing more than a shell of a body is here on earth. Life is fragile. A friend of mine laid to rest her grandmother last week. Life is fragile. Her husband had a debilitating stoke a year ago. Life is fragile. My mother has had menengitis 3 times in 6 years. Life is fragile. My dad has had 3 silent heart attacks. Life is fragile. Handsome hubby suffered from sleep apnea so badly he was literally almost dying every night. Life. Is. Fragile.

I guess you get the point. Everyone can name their own list of reasons why life is fragile. I ask you to. Not to feel bad for yourself. But to not take others for granted.

Tomorrow is not promised. As the saying goes “that’s why today is called the present”.

Why am I writing about this on Mommy Monday? We as moms set the example in the household. Kids learn from example. Teach them to show gratitude and appreciation for others.

Sadly I kept my feelings cooped up until 9/11. I decided as a mom I owed it to the people that lost their lives and their surviving family and friends to do what most did not have the chance to do. I would honor them by telling each person in my life in 9/11 what they meant to me and why. It was an ice breaker for me. I did this for quite a few years. Then I married the man of my dreams. He taught me I can do that everyday. So I tell people all the time what they mean to me. Tomorrow might not come. My circle is small but ask anyone of them if they know how I feel and they will tell you. Life is too fragile not to.

My grandmother lays in a bed. She’s not expected to last much longer. I feel her spirit all around me. Smell her scent. Memories I have not had in years. She’s one that KNOWS my love for her. After reading PROOF OF HEAVEN by Eben Alexander. MD. I have to believe in my heart she is floating with the angels already. Alzheimer’s took her quite a few years ago. There were glimpses of her from time to time but now she is gone. Life is fragile. My dad told me today he didn’t think I had time to get there to see her before she passed. My response ” dad, every time I leave a loved one I love them like its the last time. I hug them, hold them, soak them in. I do this with you and Jan. I do this with the kids. That’s why there are always tears. I know how fragile life is. Nanny knows my heart. I’ve had moments with Nanny today that no one sitting next to her has had. I’ve had memories from so long ago. Ive smelled her scent. I know she loves me and she knows that I love her. You might think I’m crazy and that’s ok”.

I don’t remember his response.

Please take the time to tell those you care about that you care about them!

Mommy Monday – July 8, 2013

Good Monday!

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The caption to the picture above says it all! I’m quite sure many, if not all, of you can relate. Our guardian angels do just that— they guard. But guards can’t hold back everything. My guess is they hope we learn from experience. Be it our own or others. I can see mine shaking their heads at me at times. I feel like they have round table discussions. “What are we going to do with her?” “When is she going to learn?” “Oh, that was a close one”. “Why is she doing that if she feels something different?” I imagine stuff like that being said. Now believe me, if given the chance I would state my case. But I can’t and probably shouldn’t. You see, I learned many years ago about being authentic. Not saying I practiced it, just learned about it. A few years back I decided it was time. Time to stop putting on a happy face. Stop fake friendships. Stop leaving a friend or relative only to talk bad about them. Well, lets just say its been a hard road and there aren’t as many people in my life. The people in my life, however, are there because we chose each other.

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Dr. Seuss was a wise man. I wish I had known him. His quote in the picture above is kind of a mantra of mine. Everyone should have a mantra. I have many. His words are the truth. Read them. Let the authenticity of them soak in. If you aren’t true to yourself then what kind of life are you leading?

My daughter was looking at wedding pictures a few weeks ago. She is 13. I divorced her dad when she was 9. She and her brother were completely surprised because I always lived with a fake smile. They truly thought mommy was happy. I was miserable. Today she told me she looked at the pictures at her fathers house. She said “Mom you were miserable. I could see it all over your face.” She couldn’t before. She didn’t known the difference. That was a huge moment for me. Her knowing the difference. Knowing a happy mom and authentic mom was an important factor in my decision to divorce. I didn’t want them to later know I lived a lie their whole childhood. I didn’t want them to think that was normal or expected. For that reason we are REAL in our house. We tell it like it is. Respectfully, honestly and authentically.

How can we be authentic?

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Aligning what we think, say and do creates harmony, ultimately happiness and authenticity. This is much more difficult than it seems.

A good way to start would be to talk about what matters to you. Write about what you think is most important. Act in ways that feel the most authentic to who you are and who you want to be.

Everyone has days that feel completely and utterly draining. But if we can find ways to stay authentic during these times we are growing. ( I say we because I’m talking to myself here as we’ll!) I’ve decided in these moments to STOP. I’m not sure if I will succeed at this but having a plan is better than not.
So I will stop, think of 3 things I’m thankful for and write them down. Yes, write them. This is key. It makes them real. You can try to recite them in a pinch but writing takes your brain to another place. I can recite and still be thinking of what I was angry about. Truth be told, I can write and do the same. Writing makes them more “real” to me. Give yourself permission to go back to being mad after you’ve stopped and have written what you are thankful for. I then am going to write 3 things that I could have done to change the situation, can do to better the situation or should have done to avoid the situation whatever the circumstances may be. Then if I want I can wallow in my anger.

A major influence on my life is unfortunately what other think. Yep, I admit it. So I’m adding another mantra.

When we reject others’ expectations and make choices about our actions that are in accordance with our own deepest values and goals, we make the world and ourselves more whole.

Im assuming living totally authentic takes time, and it is an art. It’s definitely worth the time.

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I want to close with this. If you have someone willing to be authentic with you. Someone who has chosen the road less traveled so to speak don’t take this for granted. Respect it. Respect them. They are showing you their soul. Up until this morning I had a different view of this all together but my guardian angel tapped me on the shoulder, whispered in my ear and I listened. What I thought was at certain times people were selfish, were opinionated, or maybe didn’t like me. What I learned this morning meditating before writing this post is maybe they have found their authentic self. Maybe not? It’s not for me to figure out really. I just know if I expect people to accept me for me then I should do the same.

Now there will be time when I want to serve up a tall glass of chateau d’hellup like I wanted to last Thursday but I doubt I will. You see, the more I try to improve myself the more understanding I become of others. I think that’s the point? What do you think?

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Terrific Tuesday

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I’ve been dreading this post. Honestly dreading. My mind kept me awake when my 2 year old wasn’t coughing last night. It was saying “ok, Miss Positive, what are you going to write about tomorrow on your self proclaimed “TERRIFIC TUESDAY”? I responded as quickly as I could. With. Nothing. It seems my usual rosé colored glasses are smudged? Well picture them like this. They are kinda ombré. Blue on the bottom of the lens so if I look down I see blue- negative ( when you read that try to draw it out in a high pitched southern disappointed drawal). Then as you look up you see more rose in the lens. That’s my rosé colored glasses or you could say one side is cracked.

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I personally like my explanation better. Tending to see the negative first then positive. Always getting to the positive. So this morning I wanted to post ALL of my negativity in great detail. What’s sooo terrific today, I thought? My 2 year olds been fighting a double ear, sinus, throat infection for 3 weeks. 3 weeks of coughing until he throws up (he does not have reflux) and sleepless nights. Two of my kids have been away for 2 weeks which NEVER sits well with me. I was bit on the bottom by a German shepherd yesterday which was better than the alternative because the dog was coming for the 2 year old. Those are the first 3 that come to mind. However, I can name a few more. I won’t.

With one of my mottos in tow, I intent to write a terrific “Terrific Tuesday” post. The motto? You bring about what you think about. Positive. Pos-i-tive. I will be positive.

Summer is a fantastic time for our family! We are all together for an extended period of time! One of our daughters, the oldest, the one learning to drive, lives with her mom. During the school year we are lucky to see her every other weekend. My husband is the dad of dads. He’s a busy man. Leaving me for pickups and drops offs does not leave them alot of time. When she is here he is different. For lack of a better word- complete. He calls me momma-bear ever protecting of my cubs. He is pappa bear times 2 with her.

So far we haven’t had all of us together. Two are in Texas with their dad. We have a his-mine-ours situation. Once they return. Summer will finally begin!!

My goodness, I’m frustrating myself with this post! Ok so the terrific part of this Tuesday is……………..

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I’m still searching!

Ok here’s a few…..
We have German Shepherd pups down the road we get pick of the litter from
“Let’s Earn TV/phone time, y’all ” is working wonderfully !
Teaching a teen ager to drive isn’t that difficult after all.

Oh I have a TERRIFIC salad recipe to post- low carb friendly!!!!
Garlic Salad adapted from my mother in law

3 heart of romaine ( chopped, torn, however you like)
1/4 cup of Parmesan cheese
1/4 cup of blue cheese
1/4 cup of Romano cheese
1/2 bottle drained salad olives. About 5 oz
1/2 red onion, finely chopped
1/4 cup of bacon bits ( fresh or store bought)
1/4 cup of minced garlic ( fresh or store bought)
Salt and pepper to taste
1/2 cup light extra virgin olive oil

Mix all in ingredients in a large bowl. Stir, toss well. Store in fridge about 1 hour. Stir, toss again

Sometimes our meal. Yummy!!!!