Therapy

It’s been a while since I have written. The last thing I wrote was a eulogy for my dad, July 30. Hindsight is 20/20 and I now realize that I should have never stopped writing. 

The words are stuck somewhere between my thoughts and feelings. A deep sad place masked by a huge smile.  The words do not flow easily and seemingly not at all. But I need to write. I need to write to process, to cope, to digest. Where do I start? Do I start where I left off or do I start from this moment on?  

I remember the day of my last post so vividly. The pain I felt is now multiplied a million times. My dad is not here and it is not ok. 

It is not ok that he is in a better place. It is not ok that he he no longer suffers. It is not ok that he is in heaven. It is not ok that I get signs from him (often). It. Is. Not. O. K. 

I dream of him every night. Going to bed has become torture. The dreams are vivid and real and heartbreaking. I cry for him everyday. I cry because I got a tattoo when I was 20 and he forbid it. I cry because I was too shy to dance with him when I was 14. I cry because I didn’t go see him as often as I should have. I cry because I can still feel his hand rubbing my neck. I cry as I remember holding him in his final days. I cry remembering our last conversation. I cry and I cry and I cry. 

My heart is broken. 

In search of a way to heal I have decided to write. 

Jesus take the wheel

I’ve been blessed today to be able to accompany my son to his Jr. Beta convention.

Watching the talent segment a young lady began to sing “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.

My son knows me well. He knew I would be in tears. He was sitting with his friends and looked up at me with deep concern in his gray eyes. I nodded and took a deep breath. Praying to hold it together in the gym full of BETA members and chaperones.

The lyrics touched me……
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel

The song was over. I took a deep breathe. I smelled thieves and Joy essential oils from my diffuser necklace.

Next, 2 young ladies walked up. The music started and within 2 notes my son looked up at me once again. This time he said, “Mom, don’t do it.” He KNEW I was about to lose it. One of the girls began “I heard there was a secret chord- that David played and it pleased the Lord…”

Oh no….hold it together, take a deep breathe., get out of here, don’t listen, look at facebook. Do SOMETHING! Anything to keep from losing it.- went through my head all at once.

On a good day I can’t listen to “Hallelujah” without crying. I can’t listen to kids sing without crying and I certainly cannot when I’m on the brink of tears every second of every day since my dads diagnosis.

I picked up my diffuser necklace and inhaled deeply and tears ran down my face. No one paid attention.

Next up, group talent. A group of three walked up and the young MC announced they were dancing to “Bulletproof” in honor of those effected by cancer.

What the —–? What is this? Why?!!!!!

I wanted a day with my son, to forget about life’s troubles. I wanted to enjoy him and his innocence and sweetness.

“Jesus take the wheel”, I said inside my head.

We got through the day. We had a blast. Pushing through the emotions to make it about what it was supposed to be. A mom and son day. That is exactly what it was and I will never forget it. I even embarrassed him by dancing to the “Cupid Shuffle” with his friends.

When you are dealing with a loved one diagnosed with stage 4 cancer it/ they NEVER leave your mind. (Atleast that is the case for me.) It’s almost like when you have kids and they never leave your mind. Everything reminds you of them.

I see gray- brain cancer comes to mind. I see a man with white hair- I think of my dad. A motorcycle drives by- my dad. My youngest wants to play with his tool set- my dad. Bud light- my dad. My house- my dad. One of the kids needs something and it’s not the best time for me- I think – if I could only have a few minutes with my dad. I give them a few more hugs and a few more kisses, always remembering what is most important. Our connection. Our love.

Today my phone rang. The name on the screen read “DAD”! I was so excited to answer the phone. My dad was calling me. Sitting in his hospital room and he thought to call me! I used to talk to him every day. I shared everything with him. We talked about everything. He would give me his opinion. He would show support. We shared so much of our lives. If something happened good or bad he was the person I talked to after my husband. That came to a screeching halt and I miss it more than imaginable.

I knew he would not sound great. I imagined he would sound tired and his speech would be weak again. When I heard his voice I had to fight back the tears. Hearing his voice was awesome. He is alive and we are talking! Hallelujah! He sounded weak, slurred. Heavy tongued is how I describe it. He was worse than at Christmas time. He asked if I knew about his seizures. We talked about his muscle strength. He said he loved me and wanted to talk to Handsome Hubby.

I hung up the phone In tears and have not recuperated.

A few days ago a friend told me she hoped I had someone to lean on right now. Someone to vent to. I simply replied “Thank you.” What else could I say?

I have my husband who is almost as emotionally vested in this as I am. My other ROCK is lying in his hospital room and needs me to be his rock.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

Diffuser Necklaces

Look what I started making so we can have longer lasting benefits of using essential oils!

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They are made of clay and retain the therapeutic effects for hours. One drop on the back and one on the front is all you need!

I have around 15 styles and 20 colors available now and more coming soon!

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They are completely customizable. Pick your style and color!

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Because they are each handmade, by yours truly, they are definitely one of a kind.

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Boys and girls. Adults and children. There is a necklace for everyone just like there is an oil for just about anything!

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With winter coming and threats of horrible viruses I am loading ours up with Thieves…..

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I cannot wait to make you your own! Visit me on Etsy NOW Boutique and Ebay

For more information on oils please visit my website @ Young Living

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In My Youth…

Love Dorothy!

krisvaas's Blog

The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker Quotes (showing 1-5 of 5)

“In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker

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Newlywed Game

Today our teenage girls decided that it would be fun for Handsome Hubby and I to play the Newlywed Game. We were married in 2009 so I guess we might still be considered newlyweds.

They asked us a total of 16 questions.  We answered 2 differently.  I cannot say incorrectly because we interpreted the question differently. For example, one question was “What was the biggest surprise present he has given you?”  He answered,” A new car.” I answered, “A candle.” He forgot he even bought me a candle so many years ago and because he talked to me the whole time he was at the dealership buying me the car I didn’t think it was much of a surprise!

The other question we missed was, “Name something Cyndi does too much of.” I answered, “wash”. He said, “talk.” Oh well, we cannot win them all.

The other questions?

If you were going to bring a sweet treat to you husband/ wife, what would it be?

Who would your husband marry if he could marry any celebrity?

My spouse is a great _____, but a horrible ______.

My husband is a natural born ______.

My wife is a natural born _______.

Who is the better cook between the two of you?

Where was your first date?

How much did you spend?

If there was a fire I would grab_____. My spouse would grab _____.

You get the idea. It was a great reminder of our connection. We always are aware of our love for one another and do not take it for granted but this was a great way to show our children how connected and in love we are.  

 

 

Writing Process

Every time and I do mean every single time I start to write I have a particular goal, idea or thought I would like to share that ends up evolving into something different along the way.

Today I want to write about how excited I am to see Handsome Hubby’s books as well as mine continue to sell. I know through the writing process my intention will evolve into something different. It always does. 

Often I feel I am being led by something stronger than the thoughts in my brain when I write, either for my blogs or in my writing in general. I’m curious? Does this happen to anyone else? Is this true to others writing process?

Handsome Hubby knows exactly what he will type when he sits to write. The words flow with ease and accuracy. For me, the process is like stumbling through deep, dark woods full of roots and plants. I stumble. I have to retrace steps. I cannot see the end until something grabs hold of my hands and takes over. Something envelops my thoughts and takes over. My creative juices flow.

There can be chaos all around or dead silence.Environment does not matter, What matters is my connection with who ever or what ever is guiding me. 

You see, I see orbs. I see 5 different ones as a matter of fact and know who most are. They guide me daily. But when I am writing I rarely see them, I feel something trigger a change in the direction my mind is thinking. I feel when I am on the right track, so to speak. Usually one word triggers that change and I go with it. Let the fingers type and honestly do not pay much attention as to what shows up on the screen or is being thought in my head.

Coo-coo?  Absolutely and it works for me! As I attempt to write my first fiction novel. I feel out of sorts. I am more of a self help kinda girl or TRUE STORY.  Fiction is hard and I am using it to challenge myself. When it is published and it will be, I pray that it speaks to many of you.

In the meantime, I ask that you read Handsome Hubby’s books

Prophecy of Honor

Jesus Held Me

or my books

My Metabolic Miracle

My Metabolic Miracle II- Tips and Recipes for Success

 

Thank you!

 

Please reply with your writing process. I truly am interested!