Jesus take the wheel

I’ve been blessed today to be able to accompany my son to his Jr. Beta convention.

Watching the talent segment a young lady began to sing “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.

My son knows me well. He knew I would be in tears. He was sitting with his friends and looked up at me with deep concern in his gray eyes. I nodded and took a deep breath. Praying to hold it together in the gym full of BETA members and chaperones.

The lyrics touched me……
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel

The song was over. I took a deep breathe. I smelled thieves and Joy essential oils from my diffuser necklace.

Next, 2 young ladies walked up. The music started and within 2 notes my son looked up at me once again. This time he said, “Mom, don’t do it.” He KNEW I was about to lose it. One of the girls began “I heard there was a secret chord- that David played and it pleased the Lord…”

Oh no….hold it together, take a deep breathe., get out of here, don’t listen, look at facebook. Do SOMETHING! Anything to keep from losing it.- went through my head all at once.

On a good day I can’t listen to “Hallelujah” without crying. I can’t listen to kids sing without crying and I certainly cannot when I’m on the brink of tears every second of every day since my dads diagnosis.

I picked up my diffuser necklace and inhaled deeply and tears ran down my face. No one paid attention.

Next up, group talent. A group of three walked up and the young MC announced they were dancing to “Bulletproof” in honor of those effected by cancer.

What the —–? What is this? Why?!!!!!

I wanted a day with my son, to forget about life’s troubles. I wanted to enjoy him and his innocence and sweetness.

“Jesus take the wheel”, I said inside my head.

We got through the day. We had a blast. Pushing through the emotions to make it about what it was supposed to be. A mom and son day. That is exactly what it was and I will never forget it. I even embarrassed him by dancing to the “Cupid Shuffle” with his friends.

When you are dealing with a loved one diagnosed with stage 4 cancer it/ they NEVER leave your mind. (Atleast that is the case for me.) It’s almost like when you have kids and they never leave your mind. Everything reminds you of them.

I see gray- brain cancer comes to mind. I see a man with white hair- I think of my dad. A motorcycle drives by- my dad. My youngest wants to play with his tool set- my dad. Bud light- my dad. My house- my dad. One of the kids needs something and it’s not the best time for me- I think – if I could only have a few minutes with my dad. I give them a few more hugs and a few more kisses, always remembering what is most important. Our connection. Our love.

Today my phone rang. The name on the screen read “DAD”! I was so excited to answer the phone. My dad was calling me. Sitting in his hospital room and he thought to call me! I used to talk to him every day. I shared everything with him. We talked about everything. He would give me his opinion. He would show support. We shared so much of our lives. If something happened good or bad he was the person I talked to after my husband. That came to a screeching halt and I miss it more than imaginable.

I knew he would not sound great. I imagined he would sound tired and his speech would be weak again. When I heard his voice I had to fight back the tears. Hearing his voice was awesome. He is alive and we are talking! Hallelujah! He sounded weak, slurred. Heavy tongued is how I describe it. He was worse than at Christmas time. He asked if I knew about his seizures. We talked about his muscle strength. He said he loved me and wanted to talk to Handsome Hubby.

I hung up the phone In tears and have not recuperated.

A few days ago a friend told me she hoped I had someone to lean on right now. Someone to vent to. I simply replied “Thank you.” What else could I say?

I have my husband who is almost as emotionally vested in this as I am. My other ROCK is lying in his hospital room and needs me to be his rock.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

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He said I wrote like a PRO!

Ahh…. summertime!

For us, summer translates to boat time.

I guess you could say we have two seasons here: boating and hunting.

We work as a family all week to take care of chores and maintenance around the camp so that when the weekend comes we can BOAT!

With 4 school age children at home we have daily chores, weekly chores and school work that must be completed.

Summer bridge work is very important to us here. Not the kids, the parents.

This summer it seems Handsome Hubby and I have some extra work too! Writing books! Meeting our own deadlines!

Handsome Hubby’s author page is linked here

His second book “Jesus Held Me” is a wonderful story of a terrible time in our lives.

“Prophecy of Honor”, his first book is close to becoming a “best seller” on Amazon.

He is rewriting it to add some character depth as I type this!

My second book

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will be released soon! Like real soon!

Look for the first, which I must say is not my best writing but is a story of triumph over struggles with weight. I consider it a “must read”. Don’t judge the second book based on the first.

When Handsome Hubby read the second he told me he thought a professional wrote it! His comment for the first was “get it published, it’s a great story”. Both compliments! I like being a PRO THO!

You can link to that here.

My third book will be fiction and I am scared to say the least! I may have to write under a pen name? We will see!

The message is the story

To Live Braver is a relative term. Living braver for one is not the same for another. Also, the act of Living Brave changes as our lives evolve. What does it mean to Live Brave? According to their site it is …….

Live Braveris a resource for those seeking to step beyond the confines of fear, for those seeking a more inspiring, fulfilling, and rewarding life.

The ultimate goal: to help and to support each other in finding the courage to take steps towards a life we love.

Some of us feel as we have “come out of the womb” fighting. Some of us don’t feel we are challenged until later in life. Either way, one day, we all need to Live Braver. Should Live Braver. Step out of the confines of FEAR. Fear of acceptance, being loved, not being loved, failing, succeeding, plain ole fear. How we do this, in my eyes, defines us.

Accepting the overwhelming sensation when fear envelops your heart and mind so that it does not change your soul is quite the obstacle.

Our brains have been trained from the womb on how to handle situations Our id, ego and super-ego are in constant control.
Fight or flight? Keep calm or lose it? Cuss someone or don’t say a word? Study or decide defeat? Accept love or push someone away? Sadly humans feel from a place of fear before love. All actions almost always require fear based responses until you decide to think otherwise. It is a choice. An ego based decision.

For example, my husband doesn’t always say things the way I would like to hear them. Recently losing 80 pounds, I was getting ready for my brothers wedding a week ago. Complaining about my arms I wanted to change dresses. My husbands response was “If you think they look fat now what do you think they looked like before you lost 80 pounds?” I looked at him and said “much fatter.” If you knew me you would know I’m the most insecure person you will ever meet. You would expect me to cry, sulk and change dresses. What I have learned to accept with love ( rather than fear losing him) most recently is that my husband loves me unconditionally. He was not coming from a mean place. He is blunt, as I am. He said what he was thinking, which I respect more than fluff. It was an honest comment not meant maliciously but from LOVE. He was saying “You lost 80 pounds!!!!”

In recent months I’ve worked hard to train my brain to first come from a place of LOVE. I have had to let go of those in my life that do not. Those that lie, are two faced and didn’t value me as I did them. In turn, I have made room for more LOVE with existing relationships. This, to me, is how I chose to Live Brave now.

A year ago, to Live Brave was to act as Pro Se in court. When I was 12, to Live Brave was to embrace my new life with my step dad and new siblings. To Live Brave changes as you evolve.

Someone once said to me “It’s not the story. It’s the message.” That’s a hard pill for me to swallow. As a writer, not professional by any means but a writer solely as an outlet, the message IS the story. My story. Your story. We all have stories. We should not be ashamed of our stories or hold back from telling them out of fear. We are who we are based on OUR STORY. If there is discomfort in hearing someone’s truth, honestly, mine isn’t easy to tell or to hear, I feel you should look within. They have spent their life living this story that may or may not be easy for them to tell. Who are we to stop them because we are uncomfortable hearing it? Who are we to say “uh, can you just stick to the message? I’ll get more from that. To Live Braver that day might be to tell their story. To accept their harsh past. To share that reality with you. To bare their soul. Think about it…….

Love like it’s their last day

Lately it seems that I cannot adequately write what I’m thinking in my mind. My thoughts are thought provoking and full of wisdom. On paper it’s blah blah wa wa…

This post is important to me. I have a point, I want to make it and this will be my third attempt at doing so.

My previous post was about selfless marriage. We should not get married so that someone else can make us happy. We should get married to spend our days making our spouse happy. Selfless love. Give of yourself without any expectations.

This led me to explore more deeply some small things I complain about and why. I was not happy with myself after my introspection. However, I’m pleased to have had such an eye opening experience. My first post on this blog was about taking time for yourself. Ideas for mommy’s to help make their needs get met. I’m here to tell you I was wrong.

In one year will it matter if you got to take a bath by yourself? Probably not

In one year will it matter if you didn’t get to the hair dresser every 6 weeks — I haven’t been in 2 years. I’ve been cutting my own and dying it. I say it doesn’t matter

In one year do you think that you could have played trains a few more minutes instead of _______? Probably so.

Well you get where I’m going with this. I have a laundry list of things I used to complain about and probably will continue to. Only now when I complain I have the tools necessary to snap out of my negative zone quicker.

We all can complain about huge problems. I’m talking about the little daily things that we deal with as moms. The “Calgon take me away” moments. Not the bills, someone’s health, job worries. I’m talking about not getting to take a bath alone ever! Never walking out of your house without an army of kids in tow. Not going to get your hair done because you don’t leave your kids with anyone and don’t want to spend the money, yet you still complain. I’m talking about working your booty off literally. Losing 75 pounds and not buying new clothes. Wearing 10 year old clothes and too big clothes. Little daily issues— we all have them. Mine are different than yours but we all can relate.

What if we looked at our loved ones in a different light? What if we looked at them each day like it was their last? Would we treat them better? Whose to say it’s not their or our last day? Will one more bath with mommy really hurt? No! Do I really need to go to the store alone? No! Does it really matter that I cut my hair and dye it even though I have no experience? No- I get compliments. The money we save goes towards our family! Does it really matter that I had to dig clothes out from 10 years ago to wear? No! Who gets to do that?

So now when I have a moment of impatience I ask myself how I would treat this situation a year from now and most importantly I love my family like it is their last day.

What if we all did that? Love like it was everyone’s last day. I can feel the love and positivity just thinking about it.

What do you think?