Jesus take the wheel

I’ve been blessed today to be able to accompany my son to his Jr. Beta convention.

Watching the talent segment a young lady began to sing “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.

My son knows me well. He knew I would be in tears. He was sitting with his friends and looked up at me with deep concern in his gray eyes. I nodded and took a deep breath. Praying to hold it together in the gym full of BETA members and chaperones.

The lyrics touched me……
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel

The song was over. I took a deep breathe. I smelled thieves and Joy essential oils from my diffuser necklace.

Next, 2 young ladies walked up. The music started and within 2 notes my son looked up at me once again. This time he said, “Mom, don’t do it.” He KNEW I was about to lose it. One of the girls began “I heard there was a secret chord- that David played and it pleased the Lord…”

Oh no….hold it together, take a deep breathe., get out of here, don’t listen, look at facebook. Do SOMETHING! Anything to keep from losing it.- went through my head all at once.

On a good day I can’t listen to “Hallelujah” without crying. I can’t listen to kids sing without crying and I certainly cannot when I’m on the brink of tears every second of every day since my dads diagnosis.

I picked up my diffuser necklace and inhaled deeply and tears ran down my face. No one paid attention.

Next up, group talent. A group of three walked up and the young MC announced they were dancing to “Bulletproof” in honor of those effected by cancer.

What the —–? What is this? Why?!!!!!

I wanted a day with my son, to forget about life’s troubles. I wanted to enjoy him and his innocence and sweetness.

“Jesus take the wheel”, I said inside my head.

We got through the day. We had a blast. Pushing through the emotions to make it about what it was supposed to be. A mom and son day. That is exactly what it was and I will never forget it. I even embarrassed him by dancing to the “Cupid Shuffle” with his friends.

When you are dealing with a loved one diagnosed with stage 4 cancer it/ they NEVER leave your mind. (Atleast that is the case for me.) It’s almost like when you have kids and they never leave your mind. Everything reminds you of them.

I see gray- brain cancer comes to mind. I see a man with white hair- I think of my dad. A motorcycle drives by- my dad. My youngest wants to play with his tool set- my dad. Bud light- my dad. My house- my dad. One of the kids needs something and it’s not the best time for me- I think – if I could only have a few minutes with my dad. I give them a few more hugs and a few more kisses, always remembering what is most important. Our connection. Our love.

Today my phone rang. The name on the screen read “DAD”! I was so excited to answer the phone. My dad was calling me. Sitting in his hospital room and he thought to call me! I used to talk to him every day. I shared everything with him. We talked about everything. He would give me his opinion. He would show support. We shared so much of our lives. If something happened good or bad he was the person I talked to after my husband. That came to a screeching halt and I miss it more than imaginable.

I knew he would not sound great. I imagined he would sound tired and his speech would be weak again. When I heard his voice I had to fight back the tears. Hearing his voice was awesome. He is alive and we are talking! Hallelujah! He sounded weak, slurred. Heavy tongued is how I describe it. He was worse than at Christmas time. He asked if I knew about his seizures. We talked about his muscle strength. He said he loved me and wanted to talk to Handsome Hubby.

I hung up the phone In tears and have not recuperated.

A few days ago a friend told me she hoped I had someone to lean on right now. Someone to vent to. I simply replied “Thank you.” What else could I say?

I have my husband who is almost as emotionally vested in this as I am. My other ROCK is lying in his hospital room and needs me to be his rock.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

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It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I have written and boy have I missed it!

I know I am not a great writer with interesting views and a huge vocabulary. I’m just a regular girl with thoughts and feelings.

Since I last posted ALOT has happened. Some good and some not so good.

My dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma in late November of last year. He is currently being treated at MD Anderson in Houston.

His symptoms came on seemingly quick. Although, now he can pinpoint some changes in his personality that started last summer. They traveled some of the east coast and spent a few days in Key West. He found it hard to get excited about things, he says.

He can run circles around any of us. He wakes up and goes to sleep with projects on his mind and lists written out. He retired from the U.S. Border Patrol when he was 49 years old! He hasn’t stopped one day. He is an avid motorcyclist, hunter, and tinkerer. He loves a challenge. In fact, he saved our house after Hurricane Isaac. Literally saved our house. He headed the project with his best friend and my brother.

At 66 years old nothing could stop him. NOTHING! Who knows how long he has had brain cancer. We will never know for sure. We do know that when the symptoms became too much for him to hide he had stage 4 brain cancer, glioblastoma.

He has been receiving radiation and chemotherapy for about a month with little or no side effects. He had gained some strength back. He had gain mobility in his left side. His speech had improved. The doctors warned of side effects in the beginning. I heard horror stories.

By the grace of God my dad has had an appetite and a good amount of energy. He hasn’t had the stereotypical side effects. When he heard the diagnosis his only response was “let’s kick its ass.” His fight has not wavered.

We have felt very blessed by this and I have questioned the ability for the radiation and chemo to be effective if he isn’t feeling anything. Well, all of that changed early Tuesday morning. My step-mom woke to him having seizures. They are staying at the hotel connected to MD Anderson and she called 911.

He was entubated after not responding to medication. He was sedated and has been in ICU since. He has lost mobility of his left hand and left leg. His brain is swollen.

I pray. What else can be done? I pray for so many things, mainly complete healing.

I regret. We aren’t supposed to regret things. That is not the way we are supposed to live. Well, I regret.

I stay busy. Handsome hubby and 4 kiddos keep me pretty busy but I have found another outlet too. I make diffuser necklaces to be used with or without essential oils and I enjoy my time making them. Even when there is chaos all around me I find making them peaceful, healing and right.

I pray a lot when making my necklaces.

So many people around me are effected by cancer. I decided to make a cancer ribbon. I give all of the profits to MD Anderson. Sure they are funded by a huge university. What can my minuscule amount of money do for them? I’m donating the money in my dads name. Knowing my dads name will be among donators names while he is going through the fight of his life means so much. Every dollar counts.

Trying to do something positive in such a difficult time is hard but necessary.

I hope to write again soon. I hope to have a more thought out post. I hope you continue to read. I pray for your health and happiness!

Until next time!

You can visit my ebay store if you would like to check out my necklaces!

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For the love of family

In March of this year I was blessed to chat with one of my best friends best friends. We had never met because they live in California.

Our mutual friend had passed away months earlier. We were both devastated. We connected with each other on Facebook. For me it was me still hanging on to my friend. I wanted to soak up anyone and anything to do with her.

My new friend is a business woman. She is a go-getter. She is highly ranked in a fabulous business in which I was wanting to be a part of. I was teetering between 2.

For several months I prayed about which business to join. I needed to find my passion. As I prayed and if I allowed my mind to quiet I would see images pushing me one direction.

I love both of these products…. I loved the security of knowing if I joined one company I would have a connection with my friend.

But as I prayed I saw images. I saw images of my brother who was handicapped. I saw images of my family. I saw images of helping others. Within these images I felt comfort. I knew God was leading me to my answer but I Kept wanting to be led the other direction, too. In my daily life I saw with open eyes what I needed to do. The effects of the products God was leading me to were benefiting my family every day.

I made my decision and joined an awesome team! My goals are large! My faith is larger! God led me here to where I am. My faith will help me to attain these goals.

These goals encompass the development of two separate foundations created to help children and their families. One foundation will help families hold everything together when they are struggling with health issues with a child. I pray I can send someone in to their home to keep things running while a family is split because one parent has to be away with a child in the hospital while the other stays home trying their darnedest to hold it all together. They will cook, clean, chauffeur etc for
free to the family. My mother needed this.

The foundation will cover many other services to the level each individual wants or needs.

The second will be to offer the use of essential oils to children in pain and their families. My brother was only able to have local anesthesia for every procedure he ever had. He lived in pain. When he passed away my mother was given the gift from God of seeing him float out of his human body with a smile on his face. There was no pain. Pure peace. I cannot
Imagine the pain he lived in and could not express. Parents need the comfort of oils as well. The trauma, sadness and stress of not knowing if your child will be ok. Not knowing if you can trust the doctors. Not knowing if your protocol is right. Living in a hospital to care for your child. Financial burdens. Relationship problems from being apart. The list goes on and on.

There really is an oil for everything. My thought is why not try? What do I have to lose? More importantly— what do I have to gain?

If you find yourself thinking someone is merely trying to make a buck off of
Facebook post after Facebook post please allow yourself to think of this blog and know that there is something deeper than their pockets. Something besides money motivates them.

God bless!

Newlywed Game

Today our teenage girls decided that it would be fun for Handsome Hubby and I to play the Newlywed Game. We were married in 2009 so I guess we might still be considered newlyweds.

They asked us a total of 16 questions.  We answered 2 differently.  I cannot say incorrectly because we interpreted the question differently. For example, one question was “What was the biggest surprise present he has given you?”  He answered,” A new car.” I answered, “A candle.” He forgot he even bought me a candle so many years ago and because he talked to me the whole time he was at the dealership buying me the car I didn’t think it was much of a surprise!

The other question we missed was, “Name something Cyndi does too much of.” I answered, “wash”. He said, “talk.” Oh well, we cannot win them all.

The other questions?

If you were going to bring a sweet treat to you husband/ wife, what would it be?

Who would your husband marry if he could marry any celebrity?

My spouse is a great _____, but a horrible ______.

My husband is a natural born ______.

My wife is a natural born _______.

Who is the better cook between the two of you?

Where was your first date?

How much did you spend?

If there was a fire I would grab_____. My spouse would grab _____.

You get the idea. It was a great reminder of our connection. We always are aware of our love for one another and do not take it for granted but this was a great way to show our children how connected and in love we are.  

 

 

Prophecy of Honor

Handsome Hubby’s book has gone WORLDWIDE!

snatch up your copy today. click here

Please leave a honest review.
This is a “dip your toes in the water” book. Testing the waters and it has tested well!

Tell us what you think. We really do want to know!

Adult ADD: A Self Diagnosis Part 1

Oh my goodness, I cannot let so much time go between posts. I’ve been so wrapped up in handsome hubby’s book, Prophecy of Honor, there has been no time for either blog or my book.

Now, I feel more like I have ADD than usual. No, I am not making light of a very difficult condition to live with. I truly feel this way, and work hard everyday to stay focused on tasks at hand.

Never have I had to focus so hard to keep my attention to detail. When editing a book, detail is all that matters!

Never have I felt so unintelligent. Spending countless hours editing only to find errors I missed. I majored in English and Psychology! Editing should not be rocket science! I taught 7th and 9th grade English for goodness sakes. I should be able to make sure sentence structure is correct with my eyes closed.

Well, no. It seems I confused tenses and even forgot simple quotation rules. Thinking I needed a refresher course I studied up on grammar rules. My problems were not solved.

At some point along the way each time I sat to edit, it seemed all the words would blur at which point I would not catch any more errors and quite possibly created more.

Sadly, this topic was not even what I intended to blog about today. Realizing that, I took a break from this and quickly researched adult ADD. I’ve never been formally diagnosed although my mom, and my brother have been. The symptoms are quite eye opening. Let’s just say that out of 26, I truly experience 21. Or was it 19. I forgot already! Seriously. It was one of the two. The chart says if you experience 10 or more you should be tested.

An internal sense of anxiety.
Impulsive spending habits.
Frequent distractions during sex.
Lack of attention to detail.
Family history of ADD, learning problems, mood disorders or substance abuse problems.
An attitude of “read the directions when all else fails.”
Frequent traffic violations. Impulsive job changes.
Trouble maintaining an organized work and/or home environment.
Chronically late or always in a hurry.
Frequently overwhelmed by tasks of daily living.
Poor financial management and frequent late bills.
Procrastination.
Spending excessive time at work due to inefficiencies.
Inconsistent work performance.
Nagging sense of underachievement.
Frequent mood swings.
Trouble sustaining friendships or intimate relationships.
A need to seek high stimulation activities.
Tendency toward exaggerated outbursts.
Transposing numbers, letters, words.
Tendency toward being argumentative.
Addictive personality toward food, alcohol, drugs, work and/or gambling.
Tendency to worry needlessly and endlessly.
“Thin-skinned” – having quick or exaggerated responses to real or imagined slights.
Frequently misplace the car keys, your purse or wallet or other day-to-day items.
Trouble following the proper channels or chain of commands.

My name is Cyndi and I have ADD.

This is fine. Here is my current ( current as of 10 minutes ago) dilemma. I know how I feel about myself on a daily basis. I fight a huge internal battle everyday to overcome the negativity from deep inside. I’ve always known certain parts of “me” were attributed to ADD, I just didn’t know how many. I rationalized those things by saying “I’m creative.”

Reading this list I now understand myself better but am forced to decide whether to seek medical help. Do I take the test? I know, I will be diagnosed. If I’m diagnosed my doctor will recommend to medicate me.

I’ve always said I would try every cognitive behavior therapy available to help my children, if diagnosed with ADD, before medicating.

I guess I have answered my own question. I will have to begin my therapy. Luckily, self improvement is something I love.

Do you have ADD? What do you do to help your condition? How does it effect you? When were you diagnosed? How has your life changes since?

I’m looking forward to all comments.

The message is the story

To Live Braver is a relative term. Living braver for one is not the same for another. Also, the act of Living Brave changes as our lives evolve. What does it mean to Live Brave? According to their site it is …….

Live Braveris a resource for those seeking to step beyond the confines of fear, for those seeking a more inspiring, fulfilling, and rewarding life.

The ultimate goal: to help and to support each other in finding the courage to take steps towards a life we love.

Some of us feel as we have “come out of the womb” fighting. Some of us don’t feel we are challenged until later in life. Either way, one day, we all need to Live Braver. Should Live Braver. Step out of the confines of FEAR. Fear of acceptance, being loved, not being loved, failing, succeeding, plain ole fear. How we do this, in my eyes, defines us.

Accepting the overwhelming sensation when fear envelops your heart and mind so that it does not change your soul is quite the obstacle.

Our brains have been trained from the womb on how to handle situations Our id, ego and super-ego are in constant control.
Fight or flight? Keep calm or lose it? Cuss someone or don’t say a word? Study or decide defeat? Accept love or push someone away? Sadly humans feel from a place of fear before love. All actions almost always require fear based responses until you decide to think otherwise. It is a choice. An ego based decision.

For example, my husband doesn’t always say things the way I would like to hear them. Recently losing 80 pounds, I was getting ready for my brothers wedding a week ago. Complaining about my arms I wanted to change dresses. My husbands response was “If you think they look fat now what do you think they looked like before you lost 80 pounds?” I looked at him and said “much fatter.” If you knew me you would know I’m the most insecure person you will ever meet. You would expect me to cry, sulk and change dresses. What I have learned to accept with love ( rather than fear losing him) most recently is that my husband loves me unconditionally. He was not coming from a mean place. He is blunt, as I am. He said what he was thinking, which I respect more than fluff. It was an honest comment not meant maliciously but from LOVE. He was saying “You lost 80 pounds!!!!”

In recent months I’ve worked hard to train my brain to first come from a place of LOVE. I have had to let go of those in my life that do not. Those that lie, are two faced and didn’t value me as I did them. In turn, I have made room for more LOVE with existing relationships. This, to me, is how I chose to Live Brave now.

A year ago, to Live Brave was to act as Pro Se in court. When I was 12, to Live Brave was to embrace my new life with my step dad and new siblings. To Live Brave changes as you evolve.

Someone once said to me “It’s not the story. It’s the message.” That’s a hard pill for me to swallow. As a writer, not professional by any means but a writer solely as an outlet, the message IS the story. My story. Your story. We all have stories. We should not be ashamed of our stories or hold back from telling them out of fear. We are who we are based on OUR STORY. If there is discomfort in hearing someone’s truth, honestly, mine isn’t easy to tell or to hear, I feel you should look within. They have spent their life living this story that may or may not be easy for them to tell. Who are we to stop them because we are uncomfortable hearing it? Who are we to say “uh, can you just stick to the message? I’ll get more from that. To Live Braver that day might be to tell their story. To accept their harsh past. To share that reality with you. To bare their soul. Think about it…….