Jesus take the wheel

I’ve been blessed today to be able to accompany my son to his Jr. Beta convention.

Watching the talent segment a young lady began to sing “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.

My son knows me well. He knew I would be in tears. He was sitting with his friends and looked up at me with deep concern in his gray eyes. I nodded and took a deep breath. Praying to hold it together in the gym full of BETA members and chaperones.

The lyrics touched me……
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel

The song was over. I took a deep breathe. I smelled thieves and Joy essential oils from my diffuser necklace.

Next, 2 young ladies walked up. The music started and within 2 notes my son looked up at me once again. This time he said, “Mom, don’t do it.” He KNEW I was about to lose it. One of the girls began “I heard there was a secret chord- that David played and it pleased the Lord…”

Oh no….hold it together, take a deep breathe., get out of here, don’t listen, look at facebook. Do SOMETHING! Anything to keep from losing it.- went through my head all at once.

On a good day I can’t listen to “Hallelujah” without crying. I can’t listen to kids sing without crying and I certainly cannot when I’m on the brink of tears every second of every day since my dads diagnosis.

I picked up my diffuser necklace and inhaled deeply and tears ran down my face. No one paid attention.

Next up, group talent. A group of three walked up and the young MC announced they were dancing to “Bulletproof” in honor of those effected by cancer.

What the —–? What is this? Why?!!!!!

I wanted a day with my son, to forget about life’s troubles. I wanted to enjoy him and his innocence and sweetness.

“Jesus take the wheel”, I said inside my head.

We got through the day. We had a blast. Pushing through the emotions to make it about what it was supposed to be. A mom and son day. That is exactly what it was and I will never forget it. I even embarrassed him by dancing to the “Cupid Shuffle” with his friends.

When you are dealing with a loved one diagnosed with stage 4 cancer it/ they NEVER leave your mind. (Atleast that is the case for me.) It’s almost like when you have kids and they never leave your mind. Everything reminds you of them.

I see gray- brain cancer comes to mind. I see a man with white hair- I think of my dad. A motorcycle drives by- my dad. My youngest wants to play with his tool set- my dad. Bud light- my dad. My house- my dad. One of the kids needs something and it’s not the best time for me- I think – if I could only have a few minutes with my dad. I give them a few more hugs and a few more kisses, always remembering what is most important. Our connection. Our love.

Today my phone rang. The name on the screen read “DAD”! I was so excited to answer the phone. My dad was calling me. Sitting in his hospital room and he thought to call me! I used to talk to him every day. I shared everything with him. We talked about everything. He would give me his opinion. He would show support. We shared so much of our lives. If something happened good or bad he was the person I talked to after my husband. That came to a screeching halt and I miss it more than imaginable.

I knew he would not sound great. I imagined he would sound tired and his speech would be weak again. When I heard his voice I had to fight back the tears. Hearing his voice was awesome. He is alive and we are talking! Hallelujah! He sounded weak, slurred. Heavy tongued is how I describe it. He was worse than at Christmas time. He asked if I knew about his seizures. We talked about his muscle strength. He said he loved me and wanted to talk to Handsome Hubby.

I hung up the phone In tears and have not recuperated.

A few days ago a friend told me she hoped I had someone to lean on right now. Someone to vent to. I simply replied “Thank you.” What else could I say?

I have my husband who is almost as emotionally vested in this as I am. My other ROCK is lying in his hospital room and needs me to be his rock.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I have written and boy have I missed it!

I know I am not a great writer with interesting views and a huge vocabulary. I’m just a regular girl with thoughts and feelings.

Since I last posted ALOT has happened. Some good and some not so good.

My dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma in late November of last year. He is currently being treated at MD Anderson in Houston.

His symptoms came on seemingly quick. Although, now he can pinpoint some changes in his personality that started last summer. They traveled some of the east coast and spent a few days in Key West. He found it hard to get excited about things, he says.

He can run circles around any of us. He wakes up and goes to sleep with projects on his mind and lists written out. He retired from the U.S. Border Patrol when he was 49 years old! He hasn’t stopped one day. He is an avid motorcyclist, hunter, and tinkerer. He loves a challenge. In fact, he saved our house after Hurricane Isaac. Literally saved our house. He headed the project with his best friend and my brother.

At 66 years old nothing could stop him. NOTHING! Who knows how long he has had brain cancer. We will never know for sure. We do know that when the symptoms became too much for him to hide he had stage 4 brain cancer, glioblastoma.

He has been receiving radiation and chemotherapy for about a month with little or no side effects. He had gained some strength back. He had gain mobility in his left side. His speech had improved. The doctors warned of side effects in the beginning. I heard horror stories.

By the grace of God my dad has had an appetite and a good amount of energy. He hasn’t had the stereotypical side effects. When he heard the diagnosis his only response was “let’s kick its ass.” His fight has not wavered.

We have felt very blessed by this and I have questioned the ability for the radiation and chemo to be effective if he isn’t feeling anything. Well, all of that changed early Tuesday morning. My step-mom woke to him having seizures. They are staying at the hotel connected to MD Anderson and she called 911.

He was entubated after not responding to medication. He was sedated and has been in ICU since. He has lost mobility of his left hand and left leg. His brain is swollen.

I pray. What else can be done? I pray for so many things, mainly complete healing.

I regret. We aren’t supposed to regret things. That is not the way we are supposed to live. Well, I regret.

I stay busy. Handsome hubby and 4 kiddos keep me pretty busy but I have found another outlet too. I make diffuser necklaces to be used with or without essential oils and I enjoy my time making them. Even when there is chaos all around me I find making them peaceful, healing and right.

I pray a lot when making my necklaces.

So many people around me are effected by cancer. I decided to make a cancer ribbon. I give all of the profits to MD Anderson. Sure they are funded by a huge university. What can my minuscule amount of money do for them? I’m donating the money in my dads name. Knowing my dads name will be among donators names while he is going through the fight of his life means so much. Every dollar counts.

Trying to do something positive in such a difficult time is hard but necessary.

I hope to write again soon. I hope to have a more thought out post. I hope you continue to read. I pray for your health and happiness!

Until next time!

You can visit my ebay store if you would like to check out my necklaces!

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Newlywed Game

Today our teenage girls decided that it would be fun for Handsome Hubby and I to play the Newlywed Game. We were married in 2009 so I guess we might still be considered newlyweds.

They asked us a total of 16 questions.  We answered 2 differently.  I cannot say incorrectly because we interpreted the question differently. For example, one question was “What was the biggest surprise present he has given you?”  He answered,” A new car.” I answered, “A candle.” He forgot he even bought me a candle so many years ago and because he talked to me the whole time he was at the dealership buying me the car I didn’t think it was much of a surprise!

The other question we missed was, “Name something Cyndi does too much of.” I answered, “wash”. He said, “talk.” Oh well, we cannot win them all.

The other questions?

If you were going to bring a sweet treat to you husband/ wife, what would it be?

Who would your husband marry if he could marry any celebrity?

My spouse is a great _____, but a horrible ______.

My husband is a natural born ______.

My wife is a natural born _______.

Who is the better cook between the two of you?

Where was your first date?

How much did you spend?

If there was a fire I would grab_____. My spouse would grab _____.

You get the idea. It was a great reminder of our connection. We always are aware of our love for one another and do not take it for granted but this was a great way to show our children how connected and in love we are.  

 

 

Timing

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My paternal grandfather……

When I look at him I see the backbone of our family. That’s probably what most think of when thinking of their grandfathers. I’m not sure. Coming from a divorced marriage where both parents remarried as well as grandparents who were divorced and remarried you can imagine the sets of grandparents I had! Seeing pictures of them as children or anywhere near the age I am at the time always amazes me.

Who were they really? Don’t get me wrong I knew my grandparents but only as a child. Only what they wanted me to know, so to speak.

Well as usual I begin my topic in one direction and head another.

I received this picture in the mail today.

My paternal grandmother passed away in July. She was my last remaining grandparent and had suffered from Alzheimer’s for some years. My paternal grandfather passed away many years ago.

As a child I would go to my PopPops bedroom. The picture above was framed on his dresser. He met my grandmother, in uniform at A Niagra Falls photo shop. He told her he was off to war and would return in 1 year to marry her. He did exactly that. She immigrated from Canada to the United States. They had 5 kids, Army brats. They lived all over the world. I would look at this picture, try to imagine what his deep blue eyes had seen. I knew he had a rough childhood. Is that why he joined the Army. I wondered if he looked like this before he went to war or after. I didn’t know what the rankings were or metals.

He was my hero. My protector.

Although in reality arthritis had set in and he could barely move at times, he was a recovering alcoholic and not as
my imagination made him to everyone else, he was that perfect to me. He was MY POP POP! We counted rail road cars together, visited friends at the dry cleaners, went to the hardware store, bbq’d, tinkered in his shop, worked in his office which was his enclosed garage. We just hung out.

I was extremely blessed with a relationship like this with most of my grandparents. By the grace of God!

When my grandmother passed my dad asked if there was anything I wanted from their home. I told him of the picture. He was unsure exactly which one. He said he would do what he could.

Months went by. At my brothers wedding last weekend my aunt brought an envelope to my dad with a special something she saved just for him, as the eldest son. As my dad opened the envelope I began to see my new spark of light that comes in my right eye. I knew who the light was and I knew what was in the package. ( my spark of light just flew by as I typed this). He opened it. I said “that’s the picture”.

My youngest brother was standing there. The one I least understand. My dad held the picture up to him. The resemblance is uncanny. Timing is everything. I got the message that I needed to be more understanding and I received the picture. Oh and I finally figured out who my new angel was! Blessings everywhere!!!!

I believe

“….being the most pure form of “you” that you can be. It is then that your natural talents will surface and shine. It is then that you will have the most fun of all! And it is then that you will allow everything in your world to prosper and blossom.”

Words I received from God this morning in an email as part of livealifeyoulove.com

Spiritual, I am.

I get these emails every so often. Sometimes from the future me, God and unseen friends ( angels). When I get an email it speaks to me. It might speak to you. It might speak to everyone on this earth.

Skeptics will say “You know, Cyndi, God didn’t actually write that to you?” They will say “How could your future self write you?”

I say ” Belief is a wise wager. Granted that faith cannot be proved, what harm will come to you if you gamble on its truth and it proves false? If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.”
Blaise Pascal

I’m an addict…..

Metabolism Miracle has helped our family tremendously. We now have a healthier lifestyle. Carbs react differently as they digest now (not nice). My brain, at times, CRAVES and even demands them! It’s an internal struggle that is never ending. Addictions are addictions and unfortunately a carb addiction, although it doesn’t seem as threatening as others, can be. Metabolic issues are caused by underlying issues, as well as cause such things as diabetes. The carb cravings are real. Just as an alcoholic craves alcohol. Lifelong effects of any addiction is dangerous. Looking back on my child hood on up I know my metabolic issues are certainly my fault. Taking responsibility for this gives me power to fix it. More importantly the need to teach my children what to do and not do is an extreme passion! The rules are simple. We don’t have to live carb free. We do need to:
1: Eat within 1 hour of waking
2. Eat at least every 5 hours
3. Drink at least 64 ounces of water a day
4. Eat more protein
5. Enjoy non starchy vegetables
6. Eat a snack before bed
7. Drink green tea
8. Exercise 30 minutes each day
Just to name a few.

Eating a honey bun washed down with a coke doesn’t really help you.

Waking up early to cook breakfast is worth it to help have a better chance of having a healthy metabolism. The hardest part in our home is getting one of my kids to eat breakfast, unless it’s a doughnut! We’ve found alternatives to this. Protein shakes are one. But as usual I get stray off…..

To be clear…..I am not making light of someone’s struggle with drugs and alcohol. My family had addictions of all kinds. These addictions affect and effect us all in different ways. Food addiction plagued a close relationship of mine for years until the person decided enough was enough. The wall between the couple caused by the food was much the same as that of an affair, alcohol or drugs. Except it seemed so simple. Why couldn’t the other just stop eating?!!
Up until one sentence ago I always felt blessed to not have an addiction. Ha! Duh? Yo-yo diets for years? Needing to lose 80 pounds??? Struggle with wanting to eat sweets daily? Addiction? I think so! A recovering addict to say the least.

Well they say in AA the first step is admitting you have a problem. I say that’s obviously not true. I mean I knew I needed to lose weight so I did it. Food addict? Never did I imagine.

So I’m here to say ” hi, my name is cyndi and I’m addicted to food”

Tell me your thoughts.

Love like it’s their last day

Lately it seems that I cannot adequately write what I’m thinking in my mind. My thoughts are thought provoking and full of wisdom. On paper it’s blah blah wa wa…

This post is important to me. I have a point, I want to make it and this will be my third attempt at doing so.

My previous post was about selfless marriage. We should not get married so that someone else can make us happy. We should get married to spend our days making our spouse happy. Selfless love. Give of yourself without any expectations.

This led me to explore more deeply some small things I complain about and why. I was not happy with myself after my introspection. However, I’m pleased to have had such an eye opening experience. My first post on this blog was about taking time for yourself. Ideas for mommy’s to help make their needs get met. I’m here to tell you I was wrong.

In one year will it matter if you got to take a bath by yourself? Probably not

In one year will it matter if you didn’t get to the hair dresser every 6 weeks — I haven’t been in 2 years. I’ve been cutting my own and dying it. I say it doesn’t matter

In one year do you think that you could have played trains a few more minutes instead of _______? Probably so.

Well you get where I’m going with this. I have a laundry list of things I used to complain about and probably will continue to. Only now when I complain I have the tools necessary to snap out of my negative zone quicker.

We all can complain about huge problems. I’m talking about the little daily things that we deal with as moms. The “Calgon take me away” moments. Not the bills, someone’s health, job worries. I’m talking about not getting to take a bath alone ever! Never walking out of your house without an army of kids in tow. Not going to get your hair done because you don’t leave your kids with anyone and don’t want to spend the money, yet you still complain. I’m talking about working your booty off literally. Losing 75 pounds and not buying new clothes. Wearing 10 year old clothes and too big clothes. Little daily issues— we all have them. Mine are different than yours but we all can relate.

What if we looked at our loved ones in a different light? What if we looked at them each day like it was their last? Would we treat them better? Whose to say it’s not their or our last day? Will one more bath with mommy really hurt? No! Do I really need to go to the store alone? No! Does it really matter that I cut my hair and dye it even though I have no experience? No- I get compliments. The money we save goes towards our family! Does it really matter that I had to dig clothes out from 10 years ago to wear? No! Who gets to do that?

So now when I have a moment of impatience I ask myself how I would treat this situation a year from now and most importantly I love my family like it is their last day.

What if we all did that? Love like it was everyone’s last day. I can feel the love and positivity just thinking about it.

What do you think?