Jesus take the wheel

I’ve been blessed today to be able to accompany my son to his Jr. Beta convention.

Watching the talent segment a young lady began to sing “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.

My son knows me well. He knew I would be in tears. He was sitting with his friends and looked up at me with deep concern in his gray eyes. I nodded and took a deep breath. Praying to hold it together in the gym full of BETA members and chaperones.

The lyrics touched me……
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel

The song was over. I took a deep breathe. I smelled thieves and Joy essential oils from my diffuser necklace.

Next, 2 young ladies walked up. The music started and within 2 notes my son looked up at me once again. This time he said, “Mom, don’t do it.” He KNEW I was about to lose it. One of the girls began “I heard there was a secret chord- that David played and it pleased the Lord…”

Oh no….hold it together, take a deep breathe., get out of here, don’t listen, look at facebook. Do SOMETHING! Anything to keep from losing it.- went through my head all at once.

On a good day I can’t listen to “Hallelujah” without crying. I can’t listen to kids sing without crying and I certainly cannot when I’m on the brink of tears every second of every day since my dads diagnosis.

I picked up my diffuser necklace and inhaled deeply and tears ran down my face. No one paid attention.

Next up, group talent. A group of three walked up and the young MC announced they were dancing to “Bulletproof” in honor of those effected by cancer.

What the —–? What is this? Why?!!!!!

I wanted a day with my son, to forget about life’s troubles. I wanted to enjoy him and his innocence and sweetness.

“Jesus take the wheel”, I said inside my head.

We got through the day. We had a blast. Pushing through the emotions to make it about what it was supposed to be. A mom and son day. That is exactly what it was and I will never forget it. I even embarrassed him by dancing to the “Cupid Shuffle” with his friends.

When you are dealing with a loved one diagnosed with stage 4 cancer it/ they NEVER leave your mind. (Atleast that is the case for me.) It’s almost like when you have kids and they never leave your mind. Everything reminds you of them.

I see gray- brain cancer comes to mind. I see a man with white hair- I think of my dad. A motorcycle drives by- my dad. My youngest wants to play with his tool set- my dad. Bud light- my dad. My house- my dad. One of the kids needs something and it’s not the best time for me- I think – if I could only have a few minutes with my dad. I give them a few more hugs and a few more kisses, always remembering what is most important. Our connection. Our love.

Today my phone rang. The name on the screen read “DAD”! I was so excited to answer the phone. My dad was calling me. Sitting in his hospital room and he thought to call me! I used to talk to him every day. I shared everything with him. We talked about everything. He would give me his opinion. He would show support. We shared so much of our lives. If something happened good or bad he was the person I talked to after my husband. That came to a screeching halt and I miss it more than imaginable.

I knew he would not sound great. I imagined he would sound tired and his speech would be weak again. When I heard his voice I had to fight back the tears. Hearing his voice was awesome. He is alive and we are talking! Hallelujah! He sounded weak, slurred. Heavy tongued is how I describe it. He was worse than at Christmas time. He asked if I knew about his seizures. We talked about his muscle strength. He said he loved me and wanted to talk to Handsome Hubby.

I hung up the phone In tears and have not recuperated.

A few days ago a friend told me she hoped I had someone to lean on right now. Someone to vent to. I simply replied “Thank you.” What else could I say?

I have my husband who is almost as emotionally vested in this as I am. My other ROCK is lying in his hospital room and needs me to be his rock.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

Too 10 Reasons Not To Blog According To Me

I have not attempted an entry in this blog in over a month. I have quite a few reasons for this. In fact, although I am not a fan of David Letterman I think I’ll explain in Top 10 format.

10. Who reads this thing anyway?
9. The anniversary of the death of my first real pet was October 4.
8. One of my best friends passed away
7. One of my brothers got married
6. Another had a baby– well his wife.
5. I wanted to see if I missed writing.
4. I found out that there is a whole other world out there that I cannot begin to fathom.
3. We had a hurricane/ tropical storm
2. Research and development for a new venture
1. My hands are too cold to type!

So there you have it- my Top 10 reason not to write. Let’s debunk those.

10: who cares
9. My Freckles would want me to write
8. My friend would definitely want me to write. Her Instagram name was beachwriter.
7. I could write about their very beautiful wedding
6. He’s so cute
5. I did.
4. The storm did no damage
3. Oh my goodness, I’m still processing
2. I could write about the new venture
1. My hands and feet are ice all the time. I need to work more in my thyroid issues not stop writing.

Lame first day back but there it is. I think ill write again later!

Don’t like the world? Look in the mirror.

If you don’t like your current situation, your environment, your community, your world– look in the mirror.

Listen here or read the lyrics below.

The Man in The Mirror
I’m Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It’s Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin’ My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer’s Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man’s Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya’ Know
‘Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That’s Why I Want You To
Know

I’m Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I’m Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)

I’ve Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It’s Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They’re Not
Alone?

A Widow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody’s Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya’ See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That’s Why I’m Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)

I’m Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I’m Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)

I’m Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I’m Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could’ve
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!

I’m Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
(Man In The Mirror-Oh
Yeah!)
I’m Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
(‘Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can’t Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I’m Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I’m Gonna Make A Change
It’s Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You’ve Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I’ve Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I’ve Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You’ve Got To
You’ve Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.

Thursday was Michael Jackson’s 55th birthday.

Michael Jackson changed the world. Through his music, dancing, and philanthropy he was able to connect with every age group. Listen to his music. I bet you can remember specific moments in your life related to quite a few of his songs/ albums.

For Thoughtful Thursday I wanted to focus on “Man in the Mirror” it has taken me significantly longer to finish my post.

On a personal level, people often look at their life as insignificant, less than inspirational, going no where and maybe chose to complain instead of “making a change”. Some of us continue to live as we were raised and some of us break the mold, break the cycle so to speak.

On a larger scale, we see horrific news items and turn the other cheek. We KNOW the state our family, our city, our state, our country, our world. But what can one person do?

We think we are only 1 and we are right. We are one GOD SPARK. One human being created to do extraordinary things.

God did not create us or we did not chose to be created to change every part of every bad situation at every level in our world. If we look at the big picture, the whole picture, it quite overwhelming. But if we break things down into tiny pieces they don’t seem so daunting.

Yesterday I was helping my step daughter with her algebra homework. 4x-8=2x kinda thing. Each equation got more difficult. The process stayed the same but with more steps they became confusing and for her too much to handle. She said “I’ll just save it for later”. I replied, ” no, let’s gets this done” and showed her how to break the equations down to be as simple as the first. She got it!

If we have a desire to change something in the world break it down into a small piece. Accomplish that and continue to grow as you can.

Maybe you need to start with you. I know I “look in the mirror” everyday. In fact, as I’ve lost my patience as I’ve tried to write this post I’ve “looked in the mirror”. Do I want to be an impatient mom for a blog? What’s more important? Isn’t social media an issue with families these days I try to keep away from? Boy, I probably “look in the mirror” way too much!

What would you change? How could you accomplish this?

I think Michael Jackson too “looked in the mirror”. I think he tried to change the world as well as be a great human being. Sometimes possibly way too critical of himself. I can’t pretend to know.

His last years of his life were less than “normal”. Some have said he gave so much love and all he ever wanted was to feel that love returned. Scandals enveloped his life. No need to rehash all of them. Child molestation questions scare me the most. Being abused as a child I pray that these allegations were false. If not, I pray for the children and for Michael. But he has met his maker and dealt with whatever needed to be dealt with. The research I did for this post said that “Man in the Mirror” was one if Michaels favorites. I hope Michael liked what he saw when he looked in the mirror. Sadly, I think not. For that I pray he has found peace.

20130831-172402.jpg

Mommy Monday- Back to School

20130805-172227.jpg

Happy Monday!

It’s back to school time and we are hustling to get ready. I recall doing this last year and hoping to never have to do it again. I recall a trip to Wal-Mart in June. My 11 year old son asked why we hadn’t bought our school supplies yet. That’s just how we are. Usually at the end of one year I immediately prepare for the next. This year and last, circumstances beyond my control have kept me from our early preparation. I certainly don’t like it!

Last week, I also registered our 3 year old for preschool. Handsome hubby was insistent that this needed to happen. Although I am a stay at home mom I have various other duties I take care of daily. Handsome hubby was home a few days with me while I did my daily work. He said it was too much. Something must be done. I prayed that preschool would not happen. But knowing my husband I knew he would not listen to any argument I had. So I just prayed for the best daycare and for God to show us both the right thing for WL. . I knew my prayers would be answered.

Now I can only imagine what y’all might be thinking. If I didn’t agree why not talk to him about it? We had on previous occasions. Why agree if I didn’t want WL going to preschool? My only response is ABSOLUTE FAITH.

When I was pregnant with my first I didn’t want to work after her birth. My belief is a mothers place is in the home, if at all possible. I prayed every night for Jesus to make it possible for me to stay with my precious baby. I knew he wanted me with her. I had absolute faith. After my maternity leave was up my ex husband received a raise that made it financially possible for me to stay with her. Absolute faith has gotten me through many situations since then and will continue through out my life.

Handsome hubby kept asking me how I was going to be able to leave WL at preschool or cut the umbilical cord? He asked how I felt. Was I scared? I always responded positively. With each question I KNEW we were one step closer to WL not going. Finally Saturday afternoon after leaving the ER ( WL had a fever of 104.8) handsome hubby said he didn’t want WL going to school. I responded with “I know” and thanked the good Lord above again for answering my prayer.

How is your back to school prep going?

Thoughtful Thursday- who are you and what do you want?

Who are you? Do you really know? I don’t. I thought I did. But I have no clue. Reading The Map by Boni Lonnsburry you are left knowing more about who you thought you were and less about who you really are. Deep deep in the recesses of your brain where you core and basic beliefs are you will find something you thought was a strong belief. Once thought about you will soon realize you only felt so strongly because you were taught this by your parents, a teacher, society or a loved one, for example. There is not a question/ answer section. Do you believe in Santa Claus? Yes or No. What I’m talking about is the way we see ourselves. The little voice in our head that might be a constant cheer leader or negative voice. It could be the way we see people around us– allies or enemies. Maybe a core belief would be all kids must be seen and not heard. Another might be, all men/ women cheat. These beliefs create our reality. They ARE WHO WE ARE!

Interesting stuff.

Next question. What do you want? The Map by Boni Lonnsburry explains it simply. If you don’t know what you want you surely know what you don’t want. I know I want to be financially secure and have a healthy family. Beyond that everything else seemed too much to ask for. Boni explains its out there for us. We just have to want it. So what did I want? I want a beautiful home on the water that suits our families lifestyle and is paid for. I want a new luxury car that seats all 6 of our family members, isn’t a gas guzzler and is paid off. I kept making my list.

Do you think you can figure out who you are and what you want? If you can, the next step is to make intentions. Make a plan of action. Make it happen. The universe will respond.

20130801-214711.jpg

Work on finding out who you are. Listen to your inner voice. Change your beliefs if necessary. Sometimes we have negativity running through us we didn’t know we had, I definitely did.

Figure out what you want. Write it down. Make it real. Watch what happens. Read your intentions daily. Belief them. Don’t let negativity get in the way. Believe them. Good things will happen!

Terrific Tuesday

Happy Tuesday!

20130730-204246.jpg

Today is a terrific day. The good Lord finally took my Nanny to Heaven where she will suffer no longer. She will not suffer from Alzheimer’s that claimed her brain over 10 years ago. She will not suffer any earthly troubles. Please don’t misunderstand, I type this with tears in my eyes. I mourn her loss greatly. I’m not going to pretend that I was active in her life. I loved her dearly and certain family issues kept me from visiting her more often. I will say that she KNOWS I love her greatly. Her impact on my life was enormous. To me, she was Martha Stewart before Martha Stewart. She kept an immaculate house, cooked like a trained chef, and had tea every afternoon with homemade ginger snaps topped with a “spot of butter”. She made everything from scratch. A meal either had courses or plenty of sides. My grandmother immigrated from Newfoundland. She has a lot of English influence hence the tea every afternoon. Everyone giggled at dinners because she would always say ” does anyone need a little _______ up their end?” in her Newfoundland accent. She was so proper but knew exactly what she was saying. It was just something she grew up with “Would you fancy a spot of tea?” as we’ll.

20130730-205442.jpg

I had 9 grandparents, with my steps. My Nanny was my dads mom. She was my last remaining grandparent. She was 89. My dads dad, Pop-Pop passed away almost 15 years ago.

I would love to write a post about my relationship with each grandparent. Each was special. Each taught me great lessons or skills. Each loved me and I love them.

Today, though is about Nanny.

20130730-211357.jpg

Days before her passing I received news she was doing poorly. I got daily updates. Yesterday I started having vivid memories. Doing nightly stretches with her was one memory. I guess that’s where I learned that great routine. Rolling her hair with pink rollers Saturday evening before church on Sunday.
I can only imagine how her hair looked after a 7-8 year old used pink styrofoam rollers on it. Sleeping with her, waking up with my head at the foot of the bed and my foot in her mouth. I had to make sure my feet were clean before going to bed. I still do this. Memory upon memory flood my head. Her scent. Her house. I can still probably tell you where everything in her house was. I remember stapling my hand to her island counter. The marks are still there. Too many memories for me to bore y’all with. But I had them and her scent for a reason. She came to say bye. How so I know this?

About 20 years ago my moms mom, Grandma, died. I had no clue she was in the hospital yet. The morning she passed away in the corner of my room I saw an angel. She looked and smelled like my grandma and said she loved me. She was gone in the blink of an eye. I went back to sleep. When I woke up we got the call she had passed.

About 8 years ago a close family friend got killed in a car accident. That afternoon unbeknownst to me I became overwhelmed with grief. Crying. I called my mom who lived 14 hours away. I didn’t know what to do. That’s when she told me what happened to our family friend. Then I knew what to mourn and settled down.

I’m in no way shape or form a psychic and boy do I wish my other grandparents presented theirselves to me. That type of experience would be considered once in a lifetime for most. Luckily I’ve been blessed with 3. My Great Aunt Dot, the lady in the middle of the picture below did have psychic abilities. I hope to tune mine in one day.

20130730-215928.jpg

Nanny met my PopPop when he was in the Army and she worked at the photo shop at Niagra Falls. They had one meeting. He told her when he came back from his tour he would come get her and they were to be married. That is exactly what happened. She was an Army wife. Living all over the world with 5 kids must have been trying. She was a perfectionist. She didn’t clean. She scrubbed. She didn’t do anything half way. Her sense if humor was sacastic, quick and innocent. She loved animals. Her dogs and birds were her life once her kids all moved out. She had a piano but I don’t even know if she played. You couldn’t safely take a shower when we were all visiting Nanny and PopPops. Locks were picked and ice buckets were dumped. She loved a good steak and baked potato. Everything she made was delicious. She had a secret candy stash that only I knew about ( I’m sure everyone knew about it but she made me believe only me. That was special). She preferred to hang her clothes outside to dry. She had a plum tree with the best plums you ever had. She let me play with her Rolodex. I would call with the rotary dial phone everyone in the Rolodex. I would tell them who I was. She didn’t care. She had a special box of cereal just for me. I would sit with my Pop Pop and have a bowl as a bed time snack. She brought me to the beach and lifted me above the waves. She brought me to church. I watched her cook. Helped her cook and clean. Floods of memories come back. My Nanny in her younger days couldn’t be stopped.

The best way I can describe Nanny’s last years is like tuning in a radio. Looking for a signal. Some days the signal is clear. Some days, most days, I can only imagine the static that filled her head.

Today she soars with the other angels. I wonder who met her when she arrived?? I wonder the feeling of bliss she had reaching heaven? One thing I know for sure is she no longer is trapped in her body. Her brain no longer holds her hostage. She is free. I see her smile, hear her laugh, see the joy all around her.

Today is terrific for she suffers no more! Hallelujah!

20130730-232207.jpg

I would love to read comments or stories about your relationships with your grandparents. Please share!

Mommy Monday-

Good Monday!

When was the last time you told YOUR mom you loved her?

When was the last time your children told you they loved you?

I hope this question can quickly be answered. If not, stop reading and go call your mom and tell her that you love her NOW!

Life is so fragile. We are strong creatures. Created to endure so much physically and emotionally. Watching our kids run and play they almost seem indestructible. We, even adult children, often look at our parents this way until a sudden illness strikes leaving behind a worn aged body and you wondering where your parent went. To be honest we do this with most people in our lives. In essence we take them for granted.

I’m a sensitive soul. Sensitive to where I pretty much drive people around me crazy at times. A lot of conversations cannot be had without me crying. My step-mother used to say ” All you have to do is look at Cyndi wrong and she’ll cry.” My dad was undercover for many years worked high profile cases with the Border Patrol. We has security guards watching our house at times. I knew when he left there was a possibility he would not return. Life is fragile. My brother Taylor was born perfect! 6 weeks later he was comatose never to recover at all. Life is fragile. 9-11. Life is fragile. My newlywed husband was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia a.k.a. “The suicide disease” 4 months after we were married while I was pregnant with our son. Life is fragile. I almost died giving birth to our son. Life is fragile. I’ve lost 8 grandparents. Yes, 8. My parents divorced and remarried. My moms parents were divorced. Her dad remarried. I have 1 remaining grandmother. She is close to meeting our maker if she hasn’t already. Nothing more than a shell of a body is here on earth. Life is fragile. A friend of mine laid to rest her grandmother last week. Life is fragile. Her husband had a debilitating stoke a year ago. Life is fragile. My mother has had menengitis 3 times in 6 years. Life is fragile. My dad has had 3 silent heart attacks. Life is fragile. Handsome hubby suffered from sleep apnea so badly he was literally almost dying every night. Life. Is. Fragile.

I guess you get the point. Everyone can name their own list of reasons why life is fragile. I ask you to. Not to feel bad for yourself. But to not take others for granted.

Tomorrow is not promised. As the saying goes “that’s why today is called the present”.

Why am I writing about this on Mommy Monday? We as moms set the example in the household. Kids learn from example. Teach them to show gratitude and appreciation for others.

Sadly I kept my feelings cooped up until 9/11. I decided as a mom I owed it to the people that lost their lives and their surviving family and friends to do what most did not have the chance to do. I would honor them by telling each person in my life in 9/11 what they meant to me and why. It was an ice breaker for me. I did this for quite a few years. Then I married the man of my dreams. He taught me I can do that everyday. So I tell people all the time what they mean to me. Tomorrow might not come. My circle is small but ask anyone of them if they know how I feel and they will tell you. Life is too fragile not to.

My grandmother lays in a bed. She’s not expected to last much longer. I feel her spirit all around me. Smell her scent. Memories I have not had in years. She’s one that KNOWS my love for her. After reading PROOF OF HEAVEN by Eben Alexander. MD. I have to believe in my heart she is floating with the angels already. Alzheimer’s took her quite a few years ago. There were glimpses of her from time to time but now she is gone. Life is fragile. My dad told me today he didn’t think I had time to get there to see her before she passed. My response ” dad, every time I leave a loved one I love them like its the last time. I hug them, hold them, soak them in. I do this with you and Jan. I do this with the kids. That’s why there are always tears. I know how fragile life is. Nanny knows my heart. I’ve had moments with Nanny today that no one sitting next to her has had. I’ve had memories from so long ago. Ive smelled her scent. I know she loves me and she knows that I love her. You might think I’m crazy and that’s ok”.

I don’t remember his response.

Please take the time to tell those you care about that you care about them!