Jesus take the wheel

I’ve been blessed today to be able to accompany my son to his Jr. Beta convention.

Watching the talent segment a young lady began to sing “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.

My son knows me well. He knew I would be in tears. He was sitting with his friends and looked up at me with deep concern in his gray eyes. I nodded and took a deep breath. Praying to hold it together in the gym full of BETA members and chaperones.

The lyrics touched me……
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel

The song was over. I took a deep breathe. I smelled thieves and Joy essential oils from my diffuser necklace.

Next, 2 young ladies walked up. The music started and within 2 notes my son looked up at me once again. This time he said, “Mom, don’t do it.” He KNEW I was about to lose it. One of the girls began “I heard there was a secret chord- that David played and it pleased the Lord…”

Oh no….hold it together, take a deep breathe., get out of here, don’t listen, look at facebook. Do SOMETHING! Anything to keep from losing it.- went through my head all at once.

On a good day I can’t listen to “Hallelujah” without crying. I can’t listen to kids sing without crying and I certainly cannot when I’m on the brink of tears every second of every day since my dads diagnosis.

I picked up my diffuser necklace and inhaled deeply and tears ran down my face. No one paid attention.

Next up, group talent. A group of three walked up and the young MC announced they were dancing to “Bulletproof” in honor of those effected by cancer.

What the —–? What is this? Why?!!!!!

I wanted a day with my son, to forget about life’s troubles. I wanted to enjoy him and his innocence and sweetness.

“Jesus take the wheel”, I said inside my head.

We got through the day. We had a blast. Pushing through the emotions to make it about what it was supposed to be. A mom and son day. That is exactly what it was and I will never forget it. I even embarrassed him by dancing to the “Cupid Shuffle” with his friends.

When you are dealing with a loved one diagnosed with stage 4 cancer it/ they NEVER leave your mind. (Atleast that is the case for me.) It’s almost like when you have kids and they never leave your mind. Everything reminds you of them.

I see gray- brain cancer comes to mind. I see a man with white hair- I think of my dad. A motorcycle drives by- my dad. My youngest wants to play with his tool set- my dad. Bud light- my dad. My house- my dad. One of the kids needs something and it’s not the best time for me- I think – if I could only have a few minutes with my dad. I give them a few more hugs and a few more kisses, always remembering what is most important. Our connection. Our love.

Today my phone rang. The name on the screen read “DAD”! I was so excited to answer the phone. My dad was calling me. Sitting in his hospital room and he thought to call me! I used to talk to him every day. I shared everything with him. We talked about everything. He would give me his opinion. He would show support. We shared so much of our lives. If something happened good or bad he was the person I talked to after my husband. That came to a screeching halt and I miss it more than imaginable.

I knew he would not sound great. I imagined he would sound tired and his speech would be weak again. When I heard his voice I had to fight back the tears. Hearing his voice was awesome. He is alive and we are talking! Hallelujah! He sounded weak, slurred. Heavy tongued is how I describe it. He was worse than at Christmas time. He asked if I knew about his seizures. We talked about his muscle strength. He said he loved me and wanted to talk to Handsome Hubby.

I hung up the phone In tears and have not recuperated.

A few days ago a friend told me she hoped I had someone to lean on right now. Someone to vent to. I simply replied “Thank you.” What else could I say?

I have my husband who is almost as emotionally vested in this as I am. My other ROCK is lying in his hospital room and needs me to be his rock.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I have written and boy have I missed it!

I know I am not a great writer with interesting views and a huge vocabulary. I’m just a regular girl with thoughts and feelings.

Since I last posted ALOT has happened. Some good and some not so good.

My dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma in late November of last year. He is currently being treated at MD Anderson in Houston.

His symptoms came on seemingly quick. Although, now he can pinpoint some changes in his personality that started last summer. They traveled some of the east coast and spent a few days in Key West. He found it hard to get excited about things, he says.

He can run circles around any of us. He wakes up and goes to sleep with projects on his mind and lists written out. He retired from the U.S. Border Patrol when he was 49 years old! He hasn’t stopped one day. He is an avid motorcyclist, hunter, and tinkerer. He loves a challenge. In fact, he saved our house after Hurricane Isaac. Literally saved our house. He headed the project with his best friend and my brother.

At 66 years old nothing could stop him. NOTHING! Who knows how long he has had brain cancer. We will never know for sure. We do know that when the symptoms became too much for him to hide he had stage 4 brain cancer, glioblastoma.

He has been receiving radiation and chemotherapy for about a month with little or no side effects. He had gained some strength back. He had gain mobility in his left side. His speech had improved. The doctors warned of side effects in the beginning. I heard horror stories.

By the grace of God my dad has had an appetite and a good amount of energy. He hasn’t had the stereotypical side effects. When he heard the diagnosis his only response was “let’s kick its ass.” His fight has not wavered.

We have felt very blessed by this and I have questioned the ability for the radiation and chemo to be effective if he isn’t feeling anything. Well, all of that changed early Tuesday morning. My step-mom woke to him having seizures. They are staying at the hotel connected to MD Anderson and she called 911.

He was entubated after not responding to medication. He was sedated and has been in ICU since. He has lost mobility of his left hand and left leg. His brain is swollen.

I pray. What else can be done? I pray for so many things, mainly complete healing.

I regret. We aren’t supposed to regret things. That is not the way we are supposed to live. Well, I regret.

I stay busy. Handsome hubby and 4 kiddos keep me pretty busy but I have found another outlet too. I make diffuser necklaces to be used with or without essential oils and I enjoy my time making them. Even when there is chaos all around me I find making them peaceful, healing and right.

I pray a lot when making my necklaces.

So many people around me are effected by cancer. I decided to make a cancer ribbon. I give all of the profits to MD Anderson. Sure they are funded by a huge university. What can my minuscule amount of money do for them? I’m donating the money in my dads name. Knowing my dads name will be among donators names while he is going through the fight of his life means so much. Every dollar counts.

Trying to do something positive in such a difficult time is hard but necessary.

I hope to write again soon. I hope to have a more thought out post. I hope you continue to read. I pray for your health and happiness!

Until next time!

You can visit my ebay store if you would like to check out my necklaces!

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Timing

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My paternal grandfather……

When I look at him I see the backbone of our family. That’s probably what most think of when thinking of their grandfathers. I’m not sure. Coming from a divorced marriage where both parents remarried as well as grandparents who were divorced and remarried you can imagine the sets of grandparents I had! Seeing pictures of them as children or anywhere near the age I am at the time always amazes me.

Who were they really? Don’t get me wrong I knew my grandparents but only as a child. Only what they wanted me to know, so to speak.

Well as usual I begin my topic in one direction and head another.

I received this picture in the mail today.

My paternal grandmother passed away in July. She was my last remaining grandparent and had suffered from Alzheimer’s for some years. My paternal grandfather passed away many years ago.

As a child I would go to my PopPops bedroom. The picture above was framed on his dresser. He met my grandmother, in uniform at A Niagra Falls photo shop. He told her he was off to war and would return in 1 year to marry her. He did exactly that. She immigrated from Canada to the United States. They had 5 kids, Army brats. They lived all over the world. I would look at this picture, try to imagine what his deep blue eyes had seen. I knew he had a rough childhood. Is that why he joined the Army. I wondered if he looked like this before he went to war or after. I didn’t know what the rankings were or metals.

He was my hero. My protector.

Although in reality arthritis had set in and he could barely move at times, he was a recovering alcoholic and not as
my imagination made him to everyone else, he was that perfect to me. He was MY POP POP! We counted rail road cars together, visited friends at the dry cleaners, went to the hardware store, bbq’d, tinkered in his shop, worked in his office which was his enclosed garage. We just hung out.

I was extremely blessed with a relationship like this with most of my grandparents. By the grace of God!

When my grandmother passed my dad asked if there was anything I wanted from their home. I told him of the picture. He was unsure exactly which one. He said he would do what he could.

Months went by. At my brothers wedding last weekend my aunt brought an envelope to my dad with a special something she saved just for him, as the eldest son. As my dad opened the envelope I began to see my new spark of light that comes in my right eye. I knew who the light was and I knew what was in the package. ( my spark of light just flew by as I typed this). He opened it. I said “that’s the picture”.

My youngest brother was standing there. The one I least understand. My dad held the picture up to him. The resemblance is uncanny. Timing is everything. I got the message that I needed to be more understanding and I received the picture. Oh and I finally figured out who my new angel was! Blessings everywhere!!!!

Live Braver!

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The picture above was taken the Mothers Day before my in laws 3rd child was tragically taken to heaven.

Seeing this picture in our hallway on Christmas Eve of this year, my mother in law shared that little bit of information with my husband and I ( he is the first from the left). My mother in law is a woman somewhat “of few words”. She is very private. I will leave her story quite simply with my thought in respect to her— she has LIVED BRAVER. A strong female role model for her children. As mine has been for hers.

When I think of living braver my thoughts and memories immediately, almost selfishly, envelop me. My own personal story of living bravely. I will find a way to share it one day.

But this, this is about my sister in law, Lexlee Overton. The little girl in the picture. What is so complex about human emotions, our human brain, is one persons painful memory is another’s most glorious happiest of memories.

Recently writing a post on perception, the contrast of what my mother in law and sister in law see when they look at this one moment in time strongly stood out to me. But the similarity in the afterthought, if you will, is quite similar. It was the beginning of my mother in law living braver at a whole new level and for my sister in law it was “a reminder of being a young girl who loves openly and freely”, without fear. I’m sure to an extent the same goes for my mother in law when she looks at her precious children in this picture and was BRAVE enough to have 2 more beautiful children.

Stay with me, I do have a point.
My sister in law has created a wonderful website where we can share stories, find resources and support one another to help us Live Braver. Pleaseclick here to connect to the site.

Below I attached a small excerpt from livebraver.com.

I hope you visit the site.
Share your story!
Live Braver!

excerpt from livebraver.com
Live Braver is a resource for those seeking to step beyond the confines of fear, for those seeking a more inspiring, fulfilling, and rewarding life.

The ultimate goal: to help and to support each other in finding the courage to take steps towards a life we love.

What to expect: a community filled with people like you, who want to share their stories and to inspire others to bravely embrace their life purpose.

Be inspired

Be empowered

Be IN LOVE with your life

LIVE BRAVER.

Are you ready to Live Braver?
Live Braver is a resource for those seeking to step beyond the confines of fear, for those seeking a more inspiring, fulfilling, and rewarding life.

The ultimate goal: to help and to support each other in finding the courage to take steps towards a life we love.

What to expect: a community filled with people like you, who want to share their stories and to inspire others to bravely embrace their life purpose.

Be inspired

Be empowered

Be IN LOVE with your life

LIVE BRAVER.

Are you ready to Live Braver?

I’m an addict…..

Metabolism Miracle has helped our family tremendously. We now have a healthier lifestyle. Carbs react differently as they digest now (not nice). My brain, at times, CRAVES and even demands them! It’s an internal struggle that is never ending. Addictions are addictions and unfortunately a carb addiction, although it doesn’t seem as threatening as others, can be. Metabolic issues are caused by underlying issues, as well as cause such things as diabetes. The carb cravings are real. Just as an alcoholic craves alcohol. Lifelong effects of any addiction is dangerous. Looking back on my child hood on up I know my metabolic issues are certainly my fault. Taking responsibility for this gives me power to fix it. More importantly the need to teach my children what to do and not do is an extreme passion! The rules are simple. We don’t have to live carb free. We do need to:
1: Eat within 1 hour of waking
2. Eat at least every 5 hours
3. Drink at least 64 ounces of water a day
4. Eat more protein
5. Enjoy non starchy vegetables
6. Eat a snack before bed
7. Drink green tea
8. Exercise 30 minutes each day
Just to name a few.

Eating a honey bun washed down with a coke doesn’t really help you.

Waking up early to cook breakfast is worth it to help have a better chance of having a healthy metabolism. The hardest part in our home is getting one of my kids to eat breakfast, unless it’s a doughnut! We’ve found alternatives to this. Protein shakes are one. But as usual I get stray off…..

To be clear…..I am not making light of someone’s struggle with drugs and alcohol. My family had addictions of all kinds. These addictions affect and effect us all in different ways. Food addiction plagued a close relationship of mine for years until the person decided enough was enough. The wall between the couple caused by the food was much the same as that of an affair, alcohol or drugs. Except it seemed so simple. Why couldn’t the other just stop eating?!!
Up until one sentence ago I always felt blessed to not have an addiction. Ha! Duh? Yo-yo diets for years? Needing to lose 80 pounds??? Struggle with wanting to eat sweets daily? Addiction? I think so! A recovering addict to say the least.

Well they say in AA the first step is admitting you have a problem. I say that’s obviously not true. I mean I knew I needed to lose weight so I did it. Food addict? Never did I imagine.

So I’m here to say ” hi, my name is cyndi and I’m addicted to food”

Tell me your thoughts.

Too 10 Reasons Not To Blog According To Me

I have not attempted an entry in this blog in over a month. I have quite a few reasons for this. In fact, although I am not a fan of David Letterman I think I’ll explain in Top 10 format.

10. Who reads this thing anyway?
9. The anniversary of the death of my first real pet was October 4.
8. One of my best friends passed away
7. One of my brothers got married
6. Another had a baby– well his wife.
5. I wanted to see if I missed writing.
4. I found out that there is a whole other world out there that I cannot begin to fathom.
3. We had a hurricane/ tropical storm
2. Research and development for a new venture
1. My hands are too cold to type!

So there you have it- my Top 10 reason not to write. Let’s debunk those.

10: who cares
9. My Freckles would want me to write
8. My friend would definitely want me to write. Her Instagram name was beachwriter.
7. I could write about their very beautiful wedding
6. He’s so cute
5. I did.
4. The storm did no damage
3. Oh my goodness, I’m still processing
2. I could write about the new venture
1. My hands and feet are ice all the time. I need to work more in my thyroid issues not stop writing.

Lame first day back but there it is. I think ill write again later!

Thoughtful Thursday- who are you and what do you want?

Who are you? Do you really know? I don’t. I thought I did. But I have no clue. Reading The Map by Boni Lonnsburry you are left knowing more about who you thought you were and less about who you really are. Deep deep in the recesses of your brain where you core and basic beliefs are you will find something you thought was a strong belief. Once thought about you will soon realize you only felt so strongly because you were taught this by your parents, a teacher, society or a loved one, for example. There is not a question/ answer section. Do you believe in Santa Claus? Yes or No. What I’m talking about is the way we see ourselves. The little voice in our head that might be a constant cheer leader or negative voice. It could be the way we see people around us– allies or enemies. Maybe a core belief would be all kids must be seen and not heard. Another might be, all men/ women cheat. These beliefs create our reality. They ARE WHO WE ARE!

Interesting stuff.

Next question. What do you want? The Map by Boni Lonnsburry explains it simply. If you don’t know what you want you surely know what you don’t want. I know I want to be financially secure and have a healthy family. Beyond that everything else seemed too much to ask for. Boni explains its out there for us. We just have to want it. So what did I want? I want a beautiful home on the water that suits our families lifestyle and is paid for. I want a new luxury car that seats all 6 of our family members, isn’t a gas guzzler and is paid off. I kept making my list.

Do you think you can figure out who you are and what you want? If you can, the next step is to make intentions. Make a plan of action. Make it happen. The universe will respond.

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Work on finding out who you are. Listen to your inner voice. Change your beliefs if necessary. Sometimes we have negativity running through us we didn’t know we had, I definitely did.

Figure out what you want. Write it down. Make it real. Watch what happens. Read your intentions daily. Belief them. Don’t let negativity get in the way. Believe them. Good things will happen!