Jesus take the wheel

I’ve been blessed today to be able to accompany my son to his Jr. Beta convention.

Watching the talent segment a young lady began to sing “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.

My son knows me well. He knew I would be in tears. He was sitting with his friends and looked up at me with deep concern in his gray eyes. I nodded and took a deep breath. Praying to hold it together in the gym full of BETA members and chaperones.

The lyrics touched me……
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel

The song was over. I took a deep breathe. I smelled thieves and Joy essential oils from my diffuser necklace.

Next, 2 young ladies walked up. The music started and within 2 notes my son looked up at me once again. This time he said, “Mom, don’t do it.” He KNEW I was about to lose it. One of the girls began “I heard there was a secret chord- that David played and it pleased the Lord…”

Oh no….hold it together, take a deep breathe., get out of here, don’t listen, look at facebook. Do SOMETHING! Anything to keep from losing it.- went through my head all at once.

On a good day I can’t listen to “Hallelujah” without crying. I can’t listen to kids sing without crying and I certainly cannot when I’m on the brink of tears every second of every day since my dads diagnosis.

I picked up my diffuser necklace and inhaled deeply and tears ran down my face. No one paid attention.

Next up, group talent. A group of three walked up and the young MC announced they were dancing to “Bulletproof” in honor of those effected by cancer.

What the —–? What is this? Why?!!!!!

I wanted a day with my son, to forget about life’s troubles. I wanted to enjoy him and his innocence and sweetness.

“Jesus take the wheel”, I said inside my head.

We got through the day. We had a blast. Pushing through the emotions to make it about what it was supposed to be. A mom and son day. That is exactly what it was and I will never forget it. I even embarrassed him by dancing to the “Cupid Shuffle” with his friends.

When you are dealing with a loved one diagnosed with stage 4 cancer it/ they NEVER leave your mind. (Atleast that is the case for me.) It’s almost like when you have kids and they never leave your mind. Everything reminds you of them.

I see gray- brain cancer comes to mind. I see a man with white hair- I think of my dad. A motorcycle drives by- my dad. My youngest wants to play with his tool set- my dad. Bud light- my dad. My house- my dad. One of the kids needs something and it’s not the best time for me- I think – if I could only have a few minutes with my dad. I give them a few more hugs and a few more kisses, always remembering what is most important. Our connection. Our love.

Today my phone rang. The name on the screen read “DAD”! I was so excited to answer the phone. My dad was calling me. Sitting in his hospital room and he thought to call me! I used to talk to him every day. I shared everything with him. We talked about everything. He would give me his opinion. He would show support. We shared so much of our lives. If something happened good or bad he was the person I talked to after my husband. That came to a screeching halt and I miss it more than imaginable.

I knew he would not sound great. I imagined he would sound tired and his speech would be weak again. When I heard his voice I had to fight back the tears. Hearing his voice was awesome. He is alive and we are talking! Hallelujah! He sounded weak, slurred. Heavy tongued is how I describe it. He was worse than at Christmas time. He asked if I knew about his seizures. We talked about his muscle strength. He said he loved me and wanted to talk to Handsome Hubby.

I hung up the phone In tears and have not recuperated.

A few days ago a friend told me she hoped I had someone to lean on right now. Someone to vent to. I simply replied “Thank you.” What else could I say?

I have my husband who is almost as emotionally vested in this as I am. My other ROCK is lying in his hospital room and needs me to be his rock.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

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It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I have written and boy have I missed it!

I know I am not a great writer with interesting views and a huge vocabulary. I’m just a regular girl with thoughts and feelings.

Since I last posted ALOT has happened. Some good and some not so good.

My dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma in late November of last year. He is currently being treated at MD Anderson in Houston.

His symptoms came on seemingly quick. Although, now he can pinpoint some changes in his personality that started last summer. They traveled some of the east coast and spent a few days in Key West. He found it hard to get excited about things, he says.

He can run circles around any of us. He wakes up and goes to sleep with projects on his mind and lists written out. He retired from the U.S. Border Patrol when he was 49 years old! He hasn’t stopped one day. He is an avid motorcyclist, hunter, and tinkerer. He loves a challenge. In fact, he saved our house after Hurricane Isaac. Literally saved our house. He headed the project with his best friend and my brother.

At 66 years old nothing could stop him. NOTHING! Who knows how long he has had brain cancer. We will never know for sure. We do know that when the symptoms became too much for him to hide he had stage 4 brain cancer, glioblastoma.

He has been receiving radiation and chemotherapy for about a month with little or no side effects. He had gained some strength back. He had gain mobility in his left side. His speech had improved. The doctors warned of side effects in the beginning. I heard horror stories.

By the grace of God my dad has had an appetite and a good amount of energy. He hasn’t had the stereotypical side effects. When he heard the diagnosis his only response was “let’s kick its ass.” His fight has not wavered.

We have felt very blessed by this and I have questioned the ability for the radiation and chemo to be effective if he isn’t feeling anything. Well, all of that changed early Tuesday morning. My step-mom woke to him having seizures. They are staying at the hotel connected to MD Anderson and she called 911.

He was entubated after not responding to medication. He was sedated and has been in ICU since. He has lost mobility of his left hand and left leg. His brain is swollen.

I pray. What else can be done? I pray for so many things, mainly complete healing.

I regret. We aren’t supposed to regret things. That is not the way we are supposed to live. Well, I regret.

I stay busy. Handsome hubby and 4 kiddos keep me pretty busy but I have found another outlet too. I make diffuser necklaces to be used with or without essential oils and I enjoy my time making them. Even when there is chaos all around me I find making them peaceful, healing and right.

I pray a lot when making my necklaces.

So many people around me are effected by cancer. I decided to make a cancer ribbon. I give all of the profits to MD Anderson. Sure they are funded by a huge university. What can my minuscule amount of money do for them? I’m donating the money in my dads name. Knowing my dads name will be among donators names while he is going through the fight of his life means so much. Every dollar counts.

Trying to do something positive in such a difficult time is hard but necessary.

I hope to write again soon. I hope to have a more thought out post. I hope you continue to read. I pray for your health and happiness!

Until next time!

You can visit my ebay store if you would like to check out my necklaces!

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Timing

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My paternal grandfather……

When I look at him I see the backbone of our family. That’s probably what most think of when thinking of their grandfathers. I’m not sure. Coming from a divorced marriage where both parents remarried as well as grandparents who were divorced and remarried you can imagine the sets of grandparents I had! Seeing pictures of them as children or anywhere near the age I am at the time always amazes me.

Who were they really? Don’t get me wrong I knew my grandparents but only as a child. Only what they wanted me to know, so to speak.

Well as usual I begin my topic in one direction and head another.

I received this picture in the mail today.

My paternal grandmother passed away in July. She was my last remaining grandparent and had suffered from Alzheimer’s for some years. My paternal grandfather passed away many years ago.

As a child I would go to my PopPops bedroom. The picture above was framed on his dresser. He met my grandmother, in uniform at A Niagra Falls photo shop. He told her he was off to war and would return in 1 year to marry her. He did exactly that. She immigrated from Canada to the United States. They had 5 kids, Army brats. They lived all over the world. I would look at this picture, try to imagine what his deep blue eyes had seen. I knew he had a rough childhood. Is that why he joined the Army. I wondered if he looked like this before he went to war or after. I didn’t know what the rankings were or metals.

He was my hero. My protector.

Although in reality arthritis had set in and he could barely move at times, he was a recovering alcoholic and not as
my imagination made him to everyone else, he was that perfect to me. He was MY POP POP! We counted rail road cars together, visited friends at the dry cleaners, went to the hardware store, bbq’d, tinkered in his shop, worked in his office which was his enclosed garage. We just hung out.

I was extremely blessed with a relationship like this with most of my grandparents. By the grace of God!

When my grandmother passed my dad asked if there was anything I wanted from their home. I told him of the picture. He was unsure exactly which one. He said he would do what he could.

Months went by. At my brothers wedding last weekend my aunt brought an envelope to my dad with a special something she saved just for him, as the eldest son. As my dad opened the envelope I began to see my new spark of light that comes in my right eye. I knew who the light was and I knew what was in the package. ( my spark of light just flew by as I typed this). He opened it. I said “that’s the picture”.

My youngest brother was standing there. The one I least understand. My dad held the picture up to him. The resemblance is uncanny. Timing is everything. I got the message that I needed to be more understanding and I received the picture. Oh and I finally figured out who my new angel was! Blessings everywhere!!!!

I’m an addict…..

Metabolism Miracle has helped our family tremendously. We now have a healthier lifestyle. Carbs react differently as they digest now (not nice). My brain, at times, CRAVES and even demands them! It’s an internal struggle that is never ending. Addictions are addictions and unfortunately a carb addiction, although it doesn’t seem as threatening as others, can be. Metabolic issues are caused by underlying issues, as well as cause such things as diabetes. The carb cravings are real. Just as an alcoholic craves alcohol. Lifelong effects of any addiction is dangerous. Looking back on my child hood on up I know my metabolic issues are certainly my fault. Taking responsibility for this gives me power to fix it. More importantly the need to teach my children what to do and not do is an extreme passion! The rules are simple. We don’t have to live carb free. We do need to:
1: Eat within 1 hour of waking
2. Eat at least every 5 hours
3. Drink at least 64 ounces of water a day
4. Eat more protein
5. Enjoy non starchy vegetables
6. Eat a snack before bed
7. Drink green tea
8. Exercise 30 minutes each day
Just to name a few.

Eating a honey bun washed down with a coke doesn’t really help you.

Waking up early to cook breakfast is worth it to help have a better chance of having a healthy metabolism. The hardest part in our home is getting one of my kids to eat breakfast, unless it’s a doughnut! We’ve found alternatives to this. Protein shakes are one. But as usual I get stray off…..

To be clear…..I am not making light of someone’s struggle with drugs and alcohol. My family had addictions of all kinds. These addictions affect and effect us all in different ways. Food addiction plagued a close relationship of mine for years until the person decided enough was enough. The wall between the couple caused by the food was much the same as that of an affair, alcohol or drugs. Except it seemed so simple. Why couldn’t the other just stop eating?!!
Up until one sentence ago I always felt blessed to not have an addiction. Ha! Duh? Yo-yo diets for years? Needing to lose 80 pounds??? Struggle with wanting to eat sweets daily? Addiction? I think so! A recovering addict to say the least.

Well they say in AA the first step is admitting you have a problem. I say that’s obviously not true. I mean I knew I needed to lose weight so I did it. Food addict? Never did I imagine.

So I’m here to say ” hi, my name is cyndi and I’m addicted to food”

Tell me your thoughts.

Too 10 Reasons Not To Blog According To Me

I have not attempted an entry in this blog in over a month. I have quite a few reasons for this. In fact, although I am not a fan of David Letterman I think I’ll explain in Top 10 format.

10. Who reads this thing anyway?
9. The anniversary of the death of my first real pet was October 4.
8. One of my best friends passed away
7. One of my brothers got married
6. Another had a baby– well his wife.
5. I wanted to see if I missed writing.
4. I found out that there is a whole other world out there that I cannot begin to fathom.
3. We had a hurricane/ tropical storm
2. Research and development for a new venture
1. My hands are too cold to type!

So there you have it- my Top 10 reason not to write. Let’s debunk those.

10: who cares
9. My Freckles would want me to write
8. My friend would definitely want me to write. Her Instagram name was beachwriter.
7. I could write about their very beautiful wedding
6. He’s so cute
5. I did.
4. The storm did no damage
3. Oh my goodness, I’m still processing
2. I could write about the new venture
1. My hands and feet are ice all the time. I need to work more in my thyroid issues not stop writing.

Lame first day back but there it is. I think ill write again later!

Mommy Monday-

Good Monday!

When was the last time you told YOUR mom you loved her?

When was the last time your children told you they loved you?

I hope this question can quickly be answered. If not, stop reading and go call your mom and tell her that you love her NOW!

Life is so fragile. We are strong creatures. Created to endure so much physically and emotionally. Watching our kids run and play they almost seem indestructible. We, even adult children, often look at our parents this way until a sudden illness strikes leaving behind a worn aged body and you wondering where your parent went. To be honest we do this with most people in our lives. In essence we take them for granted.

I’m a sensitive soul. Sensitive to where I pretty much drive people around me crazy at times. A lot of conversations cannot be had without me crying. My step-mother used to say ” All you have to do is look at Cyndi wrong and she’ll cry.” My dad was undercover for many years worked high profile cases with the Border Patrol. We has security guards watching our house at times. I knew when he left there was a possibility he would not return. Life is fragile. My brother Taylor was born perfect! 6 weeks later he was comatose never to recover at all. Life is fragile. 9-11. Life is fragile. My newlywed husband was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia a.k.a. “The suicide disease” 4 months after we were married while I was pregnant with our son. Life is fragile. I almost died giving birth to our son. Life is fragile. I’ve lost 8 grandparents. Yes, 8. My parents divorced and remarried. My moms parents were divorced. Her dad remarried. I have 1 remaining grandmother. She is close to meeting our maker if she hasn’t already. Nothing more than a shell of a body is here on earth. Life is fragile. A friend of mine laid to rest her grandmother last week. Life is fragile. Her husband had a debilitating stoke a year ago. Life is fragile. My mother has had menengitis 3 times in 6 years. Life is fragile. My dad has had 3 silent heart attacks. Life is fragile. Handsome hubby suffered from sleep apnea so badly he was literally almost dying every night. Life. Is. Fragile.

I guess you get the point. Everyone can name their own list of reasons why life is fragile. I ask you to. Not to feel bad for yourself. But to not take others for granted.

Tomorrow is not promised. As the saying goes “that’s why today is called the present”.

Why am I writing about this on Mommy Monday? We as moms set the example in the household. Kids learn from example. Teach them to show gratitude and appreciation for others.

Sadly I kept my feelings cooped up until 9/11. I decided as a mom I owed it to the people that lost their lives and their surviving family and friends to do what most did not have the chance to do. I would honor them by telling each person in my life in 9/11 what they meant to me and why. It was an ice breaker for me. I did this for quite a few years. Then I married the man of my dreams. He taught me I can do that everyday. So I tell people all the time what they mean to me. Tomorrow might not come. My circle is small but ask anyone of them if they know how I feel and they will tell you. Life is too fragile not to.

My grandmother lays in a bed. She’s not expected to last much longer. I feel her spirit all around me. Smell her scent. Memories I have not had in years. She’s one that KNOWS my love for her. After reading PROOF OF HEAVEN by Eben Alexander. MD. I have to believe in my heart she is floating with the angels already. Alzheimer’s took her quite a few years ago. There were glimpses of her from time to time but now she is gone. Life is fragile. My dad told me today he didn’t think I had time to get there to see her before she passed. My response ” dad, every time I leave a loved one I love them like its the last time. I hug them, hold them, soak them in. I do this with you and Jan. I do this with the kids. That’s why there are always tears. I know how fragile life is. Nanny knows my heart. I’ve had moments with Nanny today that no one sitting next to her has had. I’ve had memories from so long ago. Ive smelled her scent. I know she loves me and she knows that I love her. You might think I’m crazy and that’s ok”.

I don’t remember his response.

Please take the time to tell those you care about that you care about them!

Wellness Wednesday – 7 Metabolism Miracle Tips and other stuff

Good morning!

I’m excited to say that 3 more people are following Metabolism Miracle with my help. One, by choice. The other 2 help hostage by that 1! I can’t wait to see their success!

With each new person I help I try to give them some tips. Tips I didn’t have when I started. Here are a few

1. Please drink the daily amount of water, it really does flush out FAT!
2. I cannot stress enough and this was very difficult for me as I am a bi-weekly grocery shopper. Only purchase food for a few days at a time in the beginning. Your taste buds will change dramatically. You will crave thing you’ve never craved before. You will waste money otherwise.
3. Do not underestimate the power of jello and whipped cream ( the spray kind) not cool whip, it has carbs you must count. Whipped cream does not. Sugar free jello has carbs you must count as well but you get much more without cool whip added. I cannot tell you how many texts I’ve received of sugar free jello with a pile of whipped cream on top with a ” heaven” caption. My quests? Atleast 10! From 10 different people that is.
4. Peanut butter cookies…….. Yes. Neutral. All. You. Can. Eat.

Makes 12 cookies

Ingredients
1 cup sucralose, plus extra for dipping with fork
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup creamy or crunchy NATURAL peanut butter

Note: peanut butter must be well stirred and room temp
Note: sucralose is baking Splenda or knock off brand ( big yellow bags by artificial sweeteners)

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350
Coat baking sheet with cooking spray
Mix the sweetener, egg and vanilla with an electric mixer on low for 3 minutes in a medium bowl. Add the peanut butter and baking soda.
Mix on medium speed until the mixture comes together, about 30 seconds.

Form the dough into walnut size balls and place on cookie sheet
Dip fork in additional sweetener and flatten the cookie with crisscross marks.
Make for 10-12 minutes until slightly browned on bottom.
Transfer to wire rack to cool.

My daughter often eats these with whipped cream. Reminds me of a double doozie from the Great American Cookie Company.

5. Sugar free Popsicles. — have a few carbs but worth it sometimes.
6. Remember 5 net carbs every 5 hours. If you have only 3 carbs at 12 with lunch. My recommendation is to count that as 5. If you try to fit 2 in somewhere else you are going to throw off your 5 hours. So basically if you have net cabs MAKE THEM COUNT. Use all of them or pretend that you did. The idea is to clean out your toxins from your pancreas. If you keep giving it carbs it won’t do it’s job.
7. Do atleast 30 minutes of exercise a day. I NEVER get to actually exercise but I do make myself do lunges down the hall or squats while I cook. A few jumping jacks here and there. I need to kick it up to get the flab gone but the purpose of doing exercise for this diet is to make sure you burn FAT not MUSCLE.

So I guess that’s my “7 Metabolism Miracle Tips” for today. I have a few more I will post here and there. Be sure to comment or ask any questions, please!!

On another note…..last week I posted about the 7 dimensions of wellness.

I’ve been working on my weak links. Have you?

I was challenged on my birthday. It seems I’m always challenged, huh? I like to think I’m “real”. I’ve tried very hard lately to have a better relationship with family members. In years past, even when I didn’t try, I atleast got the generic Facebook “happy birthday”. This year, after developing what I thought was a friendship one and I make weekly contact with others I didn’t even get that, a text or a phone call. My own brother didn’t text or call on either my birthday or WL’s. In fact, this isn’t about my birthday at all. If I don’t make contact first, we don’t have contact, anytime. Speaking with my husband. We are both perplexed. We don’t understand this. As I’ve said before I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’m also the first to try to clear the air. And I THINK I’m a good person. So my “emotional dimension” is off kilter. I must have done something. But what? Where I come from, if someone has upset or hurt you, you tell them. You do this out of respect. Respect for yourself not to be treated that way again and respect for the other person to have the opportunity to know what hurt you and have the opportunity to apologize. I’ve taught my kids if you apologize it means you will not make the mistake again. I would like that opportunity. So I’m left with a situation. A situation where adults know how to be adults. Know how to have conversations. My conclusion is this. What I thought of them is not what they think of me. Hard pill to swallow but true. So now, after writing, I get it. What I thought – in fact is not. Not such a big deal after all!! Wellness Dimension back on track!