Loss

21 days into 2014 and I find myself reflecting upon part of 2013.

At 42 I was not prepared to hear the news of one of my best friends passing. With 3 precious daughters, a loving, happy marriage, an adoring husband, too many friends to count, a family that adored her and so much to offer the world, she was taken too soon. She is missed dearly.

Her sister made her close friends a charm necklace in her honor.

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I cried the day I received mine, feeling so blessed to have been sent it.

I think of her family often. My friend lived in California for over 20 years. We kept up by letters and phone calls, then email and phone calls and finally text and phone. I cannot pretend to have been close to her girls or husband. I did speak to them on the phone, laughed at their humor, dry like their moms.

We met by accident. She was supposed to go back to California the year I started a new school. She stayed an extra semester, our first semester of our Junior year. We immediately clicked. She left the second semester and returned our Senior year. We formed a lasting bond. 27 years of friendship. But that is not where it ends. In fact it doesn’t.

Call me crazy but I see dead people. Yes, you read correctly. No I don’t see their form. I see their spirit, a spark of light. A ray of light in different places of my eye. I see 4 to be precise. 3 in my left eye and 1 in my right eye. I have had my eyes checked, test run for any medical reason to have these rays of light present their self. Blood pressure, thyroid, sugar, blah blah blah. There is not an explanation. I can almost tell you “who” each one is. The bottom of my left eye is my friend. The other 2 in my left eye are thought to be a grandparent and my brother. The one in my right eye is new! I know the bottom left is my friend because of when it first presented itself and the circumstances when it does. Funny moments we would have laughed at together, when I order chicken nuggets at McDonalds ( inside joke) and in moments of wonderful family time. The middle one in my left eye is thought to be my brother because he usually presets himself during a moment my mom is involved in or if I’m trying to make a decision. When he presents himself I know I’ve made the correct choice. The top right is a grandparent, I think, they come when I need a strong person. The right eye has only come twice. I have not figured out the pattern.

When I lose a loved one I never feel I’ve totally lost them. I know now I have 24 hour communication with them. These however are at a completely different level. Words cannot define how they make me feel.

So if I haven’t lost you yet. If you don’t think I’m a complete nut case I’ll continue with my reflection on part of 2013.

I lost another friend in a completely different way. Mere human emotions led to conflict. The loss has hit me hard. I don’t have her spark of light to remind me she is there. I can’t look up to the sky or close my eyes or just randomly talk to her. The loss hurts. She was part of most of the hours in most of my days. Human emotions change a situation whether we want them to or not. I don’t like the way I made her feel for that reason I feel it is best for me to stay away for now.

I pray for God and my 4 angels to help me figure this one out……

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