Highs and Lows

Well, I have to be honest. My last few posts pretty much were (as I said when I couldn’t use the term I want to) Hoovers. They sucked. I deeply apologize for wasting your time. You see, I’ve had company. I’ve been looking forward to this company for quite a while. My dad and step mom. Ive been trying to write my posts before getting out of bed in the morning instead of the usual. The usual? A little bit here and there throughout the day. All at once isn’t good for me. Not saying my other posts are any better, though! Just saying I felt better about them. As my followers know, I’m a Monday- Thursday writer. I do this because my husband is off usually on Fridays which leaves me with another mouth and body to tend to. Yes, I’m that wife. But tonight I must write. A few weeks ago now I wrote about a Sibling day titled Rainbow Connection. click here to read it. In this post I led up to telling about what a great day my mom, step dad, brother, sister, youngest son, husband and I had together. I have tried everyday since to write about it. Believing in God’s timing I never pressed the issue. Today is the day. What happened to finally make me write about this basically perfect day that should have been a disaster? A disastrous evening that should have been perfect.

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Sibling day should have been tense, uncomfortable and plain ole bad. My sister, who just turned 25 is moving to Nashville. She wanted all of us to get together before she left. She wanted all of the kids to be involved but two were in Texas and one wasn’t feeling well. My sister is my only sister. I’m 17 years older than her. Her first word was mommy and she said it to me. Four brothers and finally a sister. She is wise beyond her years. I joked at her high school and college graduation toasts that I hope to grow up to be like her. I once again said that on the boat as we celebrated her move in sibling day. Maybe this sibling day will be an annual thing? The day before I prepared her favorites. It was all about BLAIR. Making homemade banana pudding and jalapeño bear claws recipe in this post. Having her favorite foods on the boat : jalapeño bear claws, dill pickles, and hot dogs to name a few. This day was about Blair. As I made all of her favorites, packed the ice chests and loaded the boat I cried. Tears of pride. If you’ve read “Like Water for Chocolate” that’s what I felt like. All of my pride and happiness for her came out in all the preparation. The day was God-given, as every day is but with a kick. Because what should and could have easily occurred did not. My brother, 28 years old, and I as well as handsome hubby have not spoken in a while. Not our doing. Believe me I have tried calling to settle things. Even texting. He is/was angry with us and didn’t care to fix it. We always had a rocky relationship but had a great few years and I loved it so much. We are like peas in a pod. Blair is reserved. My brother and I are CRAZY together. That day, eventually, we picked up where we left off. We started early, boated to rope swing island which is just as it is named. We BBQed on the boat ( my new found LOVE) then took the long way home to ride the tube. First mom and Charles Frank ( my brother). He nearly cut her ankle off by pulling up the slack in the rope. They twisted, turned and flipped over all because the rope was somehow wrapped around her ankle. Needless to say it was black and swollen days later. Next up…. Blair and him. She wouldn’t do it without me, so that changed things. Meaning Charles Frank and I were doing “stunts”. I stood on his back. She freaked out an had to get off. Which was good because there were alligators everywhere! Charles Frank had me flying everywhere. He would throw me off only to have handsome hubby come speeding by me so CF could hook his arm to mine like navy seals do. He’s 6’4″ 250 lbs of muscle. I’m 5’4″ 138 pounds of flab. He would race me to the tube. I kept up. We had cherries soaked in alcohol. He would pull me up to the boat to get cherries, then shove them in my mouth. He doesn’t drink. We had a blast. Mom in all her pain was in heaven watching us together not to mention the other miracles of the day mentioned in the Rainbow Connection post. Blair was happy we were all together. My step father was relaxing enjoying the ride. WL, our youngest, was watching mommy be silly- laughing all the while. Handsome hubby was as wonderful as always. Just doing what was necessary to make the day perfect. It was.

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As I said, I’ve been waiting for my dads visit for quite some time. He is the whole reason why I am laying in the bed I’m in right now. The reason we have a camp to go to. The past few years for our relationship have been great. We had some rocky, real rocky, years. Handsome hubby wrote a sermon for church several years ago, before me. I found the sermon in his Bible. It spoke of building bricks walls and tearing them down. I just remember that. My feeling is this. Bricks don’t go up easily for me. It’s a very slow process and its only there for protection. I came to a point in my life where I build a complete brick wall between my dad and myself. There are many reasons. At the risk of my children reading this one day I will leave it at that. I stopped communication with him in 2009. In 2010 I almost died having my youngest. My mother called him. Since then we have build a better relationship than I thought possible. He has been there for me in many ways. I call him almost every day when I can, he’s helped us through some tough spots. I could detail many examples but the point is – he’s the dad I always wanted. Until yesterday. Something was off yesterday. Not quite right, in general. 4th of July. We are supposed to be celebrating. We tried. One of our daughters left her phone on the hood of my car— I drove off — no more phone. Well a few days before we used our “upgrades” because our youngest got our other daughters phone ad threw it. Cracked the screen so badly it just had to be replaced. Using the upgrade was cheaper. I’ve been living with a cracked screen for 2 years so I “upgraded” my 4s down to a 4. Then the other phone was gone. I was worried. Looked for it. Was asked to stop so we could enjoy out day. We rode the boat. Had fun. When we came home after unloading while cooking dinner I heard my daughters talking. They had an idea in what to do about the phones. Not what I would do but it helped me get my thoughts on a plan. I went to tell handsome hubby. My dad was there. He lit into me like he used to. Didn’t hold back. Said stuff I won’t repeat. I cried all night last night and any time today I thought about it. As soon as he started my step mom left the boat where they were sitting, my husband left. It was just me and him. Those bricks— all the ones that I had taken down. I could literally see them lay like bricks do. One by one with each new word. Each sentence. Each hurtful thing. I tried to talk. Explain he was wrong. He just moved to another topic. With each one the bricks got higher and higher. Crying I finished cooking dinner. Sat at dinner with a fake smile, red eyes and nose. Woke up with the same this morning. Made him breakfast. Sausage, biscuits, 2 eggs over easy. Smile smile smile. Made his favorite dinner. Homemade fried chicken and fries. Only because that is what I planned anyway. Hubby says kill ’em with kindness. I don’t really have that in me. I’m just trying to get by right now. What I thought was going to be a easy breezy great week wasn’t. What I thought was going to HOOVER (suck) didn’t.

Gods plan! We never know!

I just pray I can find the strength to knock this brick wall down. I told handsome hubby today these bricks are stronger. I let go of so much pain and hurt. I didn’t think I would EVER go through it again. This hurts so much more. I also explained a little something else I think I’ll save for another post. It’s important. I hope I don’t forget.

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Happy Friday – cyndi

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