Oh my goodness!!!!
Almost everyday I feel guilt about something I didn’t do. I didn’t anticipate a certain need. I forgot something at the store. I didn’t play long enough with one child to even count as playing. I barely said two words to the man I love and adore the most. Dinner wasn’t fantastic. My daughter, who lives with her mother, ( we do not use the word step) doesn’t like the lettuce I buy or the Caesar dressing for that matter. Oh, I could go on and on and on……….
This past weekend was a fabulous full weekend on the boat. The build up, prep and organization was exhausting. Side note: as I write I feel like I’m on a rocking boat! That’s how much boat time we had! Ok continue thought…. Do I have enough drinks for everyone but not too much so we have enough space. Lists are made with quantities anticipated plus 3 each, always extra water. You never know. Plus we cook on the boat. That’s actually an easier system, yet a system still. This time our dear friends handled that end, thank goodness. Load off my back! Snacks! Ok, this is tricky. Too many and it’s a feast for all. Too little, famine. Previous years we had 5 different “flavors” of chips, fruit snacks, nuts, cookies, fruit, cheese sticks, pepperoni, pickles spears. Oh wait, that’s still the same. You never know this could be a three hour tour, a three hour tour. There’s no Skipper and Mary-Anne on this boat. Definitely not a Ginger! Our boating days last for a good 8 hours. We need to be prepared.
The same is true in our everyday life. As a stay at home mom I feel the weight of the family on my shoulders to be well taken care of. My husband works hard to provide for us. This is my job! I would go to work and do a mediocre job. Same is true here. I take great pride in my roles as wife, mother, and all that entails. I’m learning that my idea of what I should do is far different than the norm and that’s ok. Our family structure basically is laid out like this- my husband makes the money. I take care of the home no matter what “taking care of” means that day. Just the other day I was putting up walls. Yes, cutting and “hanging”. I don’t know the lingo. I just do the work. Me and my 2, almost 3 year old. Plumbing? Yep. Moving heavy furniture by myself. Sure. Couches up and down stairs, tv’s and beds. I can move a house in one day. Stand on the tippy top of a ladder to change light bulbs? Of course. Mow the grass,? Of course. Sew curtains? Yep. These aren’t the best examples but my point is this- if a job needs done around the house I do it. Very rarely do we pay someone to do any type of handyman work and when we do I feel –GUILTY!
I felt guilty just this morning. My husband has a long weeks at work. Our youngest is sick. I decided to sleep in the living room with the youngest because he has a hacking cough (yet another guilt) as not to disturb my husband. HE OVERSLEPT and he let me know it! He came into the living room. “Where are my work keys?” I was trying to move as well as keep the baby asleep and shrugged. He said “We’ll….where’s my wallet”. I whispered “on the boat”. He stomped away. I quickly moved to get his needs. Already feeling guilty for not having his breakfast prepared, lunch at the door and coffee waiting I stumbled to the door, first for the keys, then the boat for the wallet. He looked at me and said ” You know I’m late” in his deep southern beautiful voice but there wasn’t sweetness in it. He was let upset for being late. Whose fault was it? MINE, OF COURSE!
I looked at him and nodded yes, having no sleep in over a week because of our sons cold I was exhausted and just wanted to go back to sleep. Well that didn’t work. Hypersensitivity set in. Cleaning, organizing anything but rest happened. What mostly happened was guilt. I knew I should have set my alarm too. But I didn’t want to wake our sick child. To sum it up. GUILT GUILT GUILT.
This is something I think all moms deal with. Am I wrong? So much more to say but my day is calling and goodness knows I don’t need to feel any more guilt!