Therapy

It’s been a while since I have written. The last thing I wrote was a eulogy for my dad, July 30. Hindsight is 20/20 and I now realize that I should have never stopped writing. 

The words are stuck somewhere between my thoughts and feelings. A deep sad place masked by a huge smile.  The words do not flow easily and seemingly not at all. But I need to write. I need to write to process, to cope, to digest. Where do I start? Do I start where I left off or do I start from this moment on?  

I remember the day of my last post so vividly. The pain I felt is now multiplied a million times. My dad is not here and it is not ok. 

It is not ok that he is in a better place. It is not ok that he he no longer suffers. It is not ok that he is in heaven. It is not ok that I get signs from him (often). It. Is. Not. O. K. 

I dream of him every night. Going to bed has become torture. The dreams are vivid and real and heartbreaking. I cry for him everyday. I cry because I got a tattoo when I was 20 and he forbid it. I cry because I was too shy to dance with him when I was 14. I cry because I didn’t go see him as often as I should have. I cry because I can still feel his hand rubbing my neck. I cry as I remember holding him in his final days. I cry remembering our last conversation. I cry and I cry and I cry. 

My heart is broken. 

In search of a way to heal I have decided to write. 

Jesus take the wheel

I’ve been blessed today to be able to accompany my son to his Jr. Beta convention.

Watching the talent segment a young lady began to sing “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.

My son knows me well. He knew I would be in tears. He was sitting with his friends and looked up at me with deep concern in his gray eyes. I nodded and took a deep breath. Praying to hold it together in the gym full of BETA members and chaperones.

The lyrics touched me……
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel

The song was over. I took a deep breathe. I smelled thieves and Joy essential oils from my diffuser necklace.

Next, 2 young ladies walked up. The music started and within 2 notes my son looked up at me once again. This time he said, “Mom, don’t do it.” He KNEW I was about to lose it. One of the girls began “I heard there was a secret chord- that David played and it pleased the Lord…”

Oh no….hold it together, take a deep breathe., get out of here, don’t listen, look at facebook. Do SOMETHING! Anything to keep from losing it.- went through my head all at once.

On a good day I can’t listen to “Hallelujah” without crying. I can’t listen to kids sing without crying and I certainly cannot when I’m on the brink of tears every second of every day since my dads diagnosis.

I picked up my diffuser necklace and inhaled deeply and tears ran down my face. No one paid attention.

Next up, group talent. A group of three walked up and the young MC announced they were dancing to “Bulletproof” in honor of those effected by cancer.

What the —–? What is this? Why?!!!!!

I wanted a day with my son, to forget about life’s troubles. I wanted to enjoy him and his innocence and sweetness.

“Jesus take the wheel”, I said inside my head.

We got through the day. We had a blast. Pushing through the emotions to make it about what it was supposed to be. A mom and son day. That is exactly what it was and I will never forget it. I even embarrassed him by dancing to the “Cupid Shuffle” with his friends.

When you are dealing with a loved one diagnosed with stage 4 cancer it/ they NEVER leave your mind. (Atleast that is the case for me.) It’s almost like when you have kids and they never leave your mind. Everything reminds you of them.

I see gray- brain cancer comes to mind. I see a man with white hair- I think of my dad. A motorcycle drives by- my dad. My youngest wants to play with his tool set- my dad. Bud light- my dad. My house- my dad. One of the kids needs something and it’s not the best time for me- I think – if I could only have a few minutes with my dad. I give them a few more hugs and a few more kisses, always remembering what is most important. Our connection. Our love.

Today my phone rang. The name on the screen read “DAD”! I was so excited to answer the phone. My dad was calling me. Sitting in his hospital room and he thought to call me! I used to talk to him every day. I shared everything with him. We talked about everything. He would give me his opinion. He would show support. We shared so much of our lives. If something happened good or bad he was the person I talked to after my husband. That came to a screeching halt and I miss it more than imaginable.

I knew he would not sound great. I imagined he would sound tired and his speech would be weak again. When I heard his voice I had to fight back the tears. Hearing his voice was awesome. He is alive and we are talking! Hallelujah! He sounded weak, slurred. Heavy tongued is how I describe it. He was worse than at Christmas time. He asked if I knew about his seizures. We talked about his muscle strength. He said he loved me and wanted to talk to Handsome Hubby.

I hung up the phone In tears and have not recuperated.

A few days ago a friend told me she hoped I had someone to lean on right now. Someone to vent to. I simply replied “Thank you.” What else could I say?

I have my husband who is almost as emotionally vested in this as I am. My other ROCK is lying in his hospital room and needs me to be his rock.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I have written and boy have I missed it!

I know I am not a great writer with interesting views and a huge vocabulary. I’m just a regular girl with thoughts and feelings.

Since I last posted ALOT has happened. Some good and some not so good.

My dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma in late November of last year. He is currently being treated at MD Anderson in Houston.

His symptoms came on seemingly quick. Although, now he can pinpoint some changes in his personality that started last summer. They traveled some of the east coast and spent a few days in Key West. He found it hard to get excited about things, he says.

He can run circles around any of us. He wakes up and goes to sleep with projects on his mind and lists written out. He retired from the U.S. Border Patrol when he was 49 years old! He hasn’t stopped one day. He is an avid motorcyclist, hunter, and tinkerer. He loves a challenge. In fact, he saved our house after Hurricane Isaac. Literally saved our house. He headed the project with his best friend and my brother.

At 66 years old nothing could stop him. NOTHING! Who knows how long he has had brain cancer. We will never know for sure. We do know that when the symptoms became too much for him to hide he had stage 4 brain cancer, glioblastoma.

He has been receiving radiation and chemotherapy for about a month with little or no side effects. He had gained some strength back. He had gain mobility in his left side. His speech had improved. The doctors warned of side effects in the beginning. I heard horror stories.

By the grace of God my dad has had an appetite and a good amount of energy. He hasn’t had the stereotypical side effects. When he heard the diagnosis his only response was “let’s kick its ass.” His fight has not wavered.

We have felt very blessed by this and I have questioned the ability for the radiation and chemo to be effective if he isn’t feeling anything. Well, all of that changed early Tuesday morning. My step-mom woke to him having seizures. They are staying at the hotel connected to MD Anderson and she called 911.

He was entubated after not responding to medication. He was sedated and has been in ICU since. He has lost mobility of his left hand and left leg. His brain is swollen.

I pray. What else can be done? I pray for so many things, mainly complete healing.

I regret. We aren’t supposed to regret things. That is not the way we are supposed to live. Well, I regret.

I stay busy. Handsome hubby and 4 kiddos keep me pretty busy but I have found another outlet too. I make diffuser necklaces to be used with or without essential oils and I enjoy my time making them. Even when there is chaos all around me I find making them peaceful, healing and right.

I pray a lot when making my necklaces.

So many people around me are effected by cancer. I decided to make a cancer ribbon. I give all of the profits to MD Anderson. Sure they are funded by a huge university. What can my minuscule amount of money do for them? I’m donating the money in my dads name. Knowing my dads name will be among donators names while he is going through the fight of his life means so much. Every dollar counts.

Trying to do something positive in such a difficult time is hard but necessary.

I hope to write again soon. I hope to have a more thought out post. I hope you continue to read. I pray for your health and happiness!

Until next time!

You can visit my ebay store if you would like to check out my necklaces!

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Diffuser Necklaces

Look what I started making so we can have longer lasting benefits of using essential oils!

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They are made of clay and retain the therapeutic effects for hours. One drop on the back and one on the front is all you need!

I have around 15 styles and 20 colors available now and more coming soon!

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They are completely customizable. Pick your style and color!

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Because they are each handmade, by yours truly, they are definitely one of a kind.

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Boys and girls. Adults and children. There is a necklace for everyone just like there is an oil for just about anything!

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With winter coming and threats of horrible viruses I am loading ours up with Thieves…..

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I cannot wait to make you your own! Visit me on Etsy NOW Boutique and Ebay

For more information on oils please visit my website @ Young Living

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For the love of family

In March of this year I was blessed to chat with one of my best friends best friends. We had never met because they live in California.

Our mutual friend had passed away months earlier. We were both devastated. We connected with each other on Facebook. For me it was me still hanging on to my friend. I wanted to soak up anyone and anything to do with her.

My new friend is a business woman. She is a go-getter. She is highly ranked in a fabulous business in which I was wanting to be a part of. I was teetering between 2.

For several months I prayed about which business to join. I needed to find my passion. As I prayed and if I allowed my mind to quiet I would see images pushing me one direction.

I love both of these products…. I loved the security of knowing if I joined one company I would have a connection with my friend.

But as I prayed I saw images. I saw images of my brother who was handicapped. I saw images of my family. I saw images of helping others. Within these images I felt comfort. I knew God was leading me to my answer but I Kept wanting to be led the other direction, too. In my daily life I saw with open eyes what I needed to do. The effects of the products God was leading me to were benefiting my family every day.

I made my decision and joined an awesome team! My goals are large! My faith is larger! God led me here to where I am. My faith will help me to attain these goals.

These goals encompass the development of two separate foundations created to help children and their families. One foundation will help families hold everything together when they are struggling with health issues with a child. I pray I can send someone in to their home to keep things running while a family is split because one parent has to be away with a child in the hospital while the other stays home trying their darnedest to hold it all together. They will cook, clean, chauffeur etc for
free to the family. My mother needed this.

The foundation will cover many other services to the level each individual wants or needs.

The second will be to offer the use of essential oils to children in pain and their families. My brother was only able to have local anesthesia for every procedure he ever had. He lived in pain. When he passed away my mother was given the gift from God of seeing him float out of his human body with a smile on his face. There was no pain. Pure peace. I cannot
Imagine the pain he lived in and could not express. Parents need the comfort of oils as well. The trauma, sadness and stress of not knowing if your child will be ok. Not knowing if you can trust the doctors. Not knowing if your protocol is right. Living in a hospital to care for your child. Financial burdens. Relationship problems from being apart. The list goes on and on.

There really is an oil for everything. My thought is why not try? What do I have to lose? More importantly— what do I have to gain?

If you find yourself thinking someone is merely trying to make a buck off of
Facebook post after Facebook post please allow yourself to think of this blog and know that there is something deeper than their pockets. Something besides money motivates them.

God bless!